Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best

April 30, 2016
by Creed

Rage and Marriage

The institution of marriage is a thing of beauty. The tradition of holy matrimony between partners is a sacred union that requires love, compassion, understanding, teamwork, and compromise. But there is an oft overlooked component of a successful marriage that’s just as critical. Limitless rage.

The foundation of any good marriage is based on two things; love and rage. The most successful marriages, the ones that go the distance, combine these two aspects in perfect harmony thereby creating a scenario where rage becomes a basic need for survival. Marriage is practically designed to promote anger and hostility. Two autonomous beings living literally their entire lives together in the same home with countless shared interests will inevitably develop intense resentment, consistent disagreement, and ultimately, enough organic rage to power a small motor vehicle.


This is superficial rage at best. Not marriage material.

For the average heterosexual male, marriage is made easier simply because the average heterosexual female harbors an abundance of rage. Most women are hardwired in this way. Rage is a seemingly natural byproduct of the female genome. Men are introduced to this phenomenon very early in life, often from residing with an enraged mother or grandmother. It is a critical tool in preparing a young man for adulthood. One that’s sure to be filled with copious amounts of feminine rage. The men that let their marriages fail are usually the men ill-equipped at handling the aggressive hostility of the female rage rhino. Building up an endurance to this environment is of paramount importance and is especially crucial to cultivating a long-lasting and fruitful marriage that incorporates all the other factors of a healthy relationship such as compassion, compromise, and support. It takes a variety of such qualities to keep a marriage functioning and yet oddly enough they all grow from the male’s ability to tolerate and even embrace rage. Rage is foundational to all other healthy values and thereby the seed from which the marriage tree will either flourish or die.

Once a man has accepted an ample volume of rage into his life, very quickly he’ll become dependent on it. A man will actively search for new and creative ways to continually enrage his best gal simply because he needs to meet his basic needs. It is important that women recognize this need and react appropriately. Placing blame on the man for intentionally instigating conflict is cruel. It truly is not his fault that unbridled animosity now excites him.


You can tell a lot about a woman by how she attempts to murder you.

A wise man once said that marriage is simply about picking the battles you’ll eventually lose anyway but that’s not an accurate statement. Over time, years of marriage will train the married male to only find angry women attractive. Therefore, picking battles is not about losing, it’s about intentionally losing in order to generate more rage. Because of this fact, bdsm style sexual fantasies rarely work well in committed relationships because the very idea of marriage is rooted in bondage and it becomes redundant. You can, however, spice up sexy time with signature phrases like, “your mustache looks really good today” or “you’re so much like your mother.” Your woman will appreciate the extra effort you’ve made to increase your intimacy and reward you substantially with days of endless sex and a proverbial reservoir of bountiful anger.


Use body language and other non-verbal cues to encourage anger and ultimately, happiness.

The love between a man and woman is a priceless gift that should be cherished and appreciated to its fullest. Although at times marriage might seem like an endless cycle of failed preemptive strikes and routine guilt-shaming, it is simply about embracing the most important qualities and human values by effectively sowing the seeds of rage early and often. Don’t become indifferent to rage. Don’t lose that spark. Marriage is a fun and adventurous journey towards that inevitably painful death that awaits us all. Make the most of that journey.

March 9, 2016
by Creed

Cast Your Vote for Jesus

It’s a glorious time in America. A time when we can look towards the future with hope. A time when we can use our own voice to help this fine nation embrace positive change. A time that even the eldest among us has only experienced a handful of times, as it only comes around once every four years. It’s election season in America. So let’s gather ‘round and do something we haven’t done for four long years…let our voices be heard by Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, for it is he would will raise our president yet again.

Perhaps the greatest lie American citizens choose to believe is that they are an active member of a participatory democracy. With resounding vigor we attend political rallies and watch televised debates and our voices echo to the high heavens with glee as we listen to the latest guise of feigned sincerity and euphemisms espoused by the predetermined few we can cast our ballot for. For the citizens, there are a myriad of candidates to choose from that’s slowly narrowed down throughout the campaign process. These candidates are of diverse cultural backgrounds and educations. They’ve held a variety of different offices at different levels of state and national government. They have unique and distinct personalities and dramatic differences of opinion on how to run a nation. They have a profound variety of beliefs about science, technology and the future of America. There is literally only one thing that they consistently agree upon: The ultimate authority of the Judeo-Christian deity.

One would think that perhaps the greatest challenge a national political candidate faces is effectively appealing to a broad spectrum of individual. After all, there are dozens or races and hundreds of ethnic identities across a wide range of socioeconomic statuses and cultural worldviews. Quite a task it seems to be able to appeal similarly to all that. Yet one of the key advantages politicians have is that this same audience is filled with ignorance and empowered with the belief that their voice matters. As an example, the average voter is very open to hearing what the nominees have to say about real issues. Any random issue will work for this example. Say, an opinion on immigration or foreign policy or medical care. These are the types of issues we listen to. This is what’s debated. Ultimately, it’s these things that will “sell” that candidate best to voters. Yet while people readily seek to understand a particular candidate’s stance on similar issues, very few among us are willing to question why all the candidates are openly Christian. Or better yet, why we’ve had many prior openly Christian presidents, say for example, 43 in a row. It is facts such as the seemingly blind belief in Christianity that every past president has admitted to embracing that conveniently gets neglected by the average voter literally ever single election. Perhaps it’s a well-known fact that the majority of American voters readily identify with some branch of Christianity. Or perhaps it’s actually a legitimate occurrence that, by sheer coincidence, that last 43 qualified people to lead this country as elected by the citizenry just happened to be of the Christian faith. Or perhaps it’s good salesmanship.

In 1987 George Bush famously stated that atheists cannot be considered citizens or patriots and in doing so, he was well aware that such a statement posed absolutely no threat to his election. Indeed the dictum “one nation under god” is a concept wholly accepted by the vast majority of American voters. It is not merely allowed but fully expected that presidential candidates blatantly showcase their religiousness, no matter how supernatural the belief, so long as it runs parallel to the doctrines of Christianity.

Surely we can make a convincing argument that some of the more intellectual citizens elected as president couldn’t all possibly share the same religious outlook. What are the odds that there have truly been 43 consecutive Christian presidents? Rarely will you find a typical academic of the sciences who believes in a personal god and these are some of the most astute minds in existence. Yet somehow when it comes to becoming president, intelligent science doesn’t apply. There is a long standing history of presidential faith in Christianity, so much so that it might as well be part of the job description. So, let’s see. Must be a college graduate. Must have prior experience in high-ranking political office. Must be able to lift 50lbs from a squatting position. Must believe in Yahweh. Drug test required pending hire.

The only real alternative to believing that we’ve genuinely had a coincidental run of presidents subscribing to a similar faith is the possibility that some or many are lying. It’s an outlandish notion to think that a politician would lie. But if the general scholar of high academia rejects the idea of a personal god as so many do, one could only argue that the average intelligence and education of presidential nominees would put a great number of them in that same category. It’s certainly refreshing to believe that potential presidents might be lying about their religious views, as one’s metaphysical outlook shouldn’t much influence their ability to act as an intelligent and rational adult and yet they all seem to be well aware that a faith of any other kind or no faith at all would bar them from office. Intelligent Design aside, there’s no real reason to believe that a president of any faith ranging from staunch atheism to Jain dharma extremism couldn’t lead any more or less effectively than a Christian one. And yet this is what we’ve been left to choose from. Christians or liars.

The challenge in all this is doing the right thing. While the available candidates have been strongly restricted to you, your ability to vote for them is still your own free will. Ask yourself not what a particular nominee thinks is best for the oil industry or what their policy on Iran is, but ask them why they choose to believe in a being that has been utterly rejected by the very people guiding real, material change in this world. Perhaps ask them why their faith not lie with the Buddha or with other mythical beings of history like Odin or Zeus. Why are they being selective in their atheism? This is the real question at hand. While that answer may prove difficult to evoke, surely they can tell you about the monies available through the religious lobby. Or maybe they won’t tell you that. Maybe they’ll lie. Don’t get too close to the tree of knowledge, human.

January 23, 2016
by Creed

Hark! ‘Tis the Coiffure of a Bunned Man I See

Fashion is an unstable and malleable industry. Within the fashion industry, trends come and go seemingly at random and few people can successfully predict what will be the next hot style. In our current society, the hot trend is a hairstyle for men. The man bun. Like most hair trends, the male hair bun originated in the celebrity community and trickled down to normal society where like any other trend, it is embraced, abused, ridiculed and desired all at once.

The man bun is not for the faint of heart. It takes gall and self-assurance for the average man to make the life changing decision in adopting this most ridiculous of hair styles. Like so many other trends, however, this one is not equally embraced or detested. There are a garden variety of social miscreants who find this tightly wound yet disheveled ball of fur protruding from a man’s scalp to be attractive. While the style hasn’t exactly morphed into a foolproof means to bring about coitus with the opposite sex, it also hasn’t been totally rejected by the heterosexual female. The man bun, it seems, has found an awkward social space between disgusting vagrant and elitist Robber Baron.

man bun

The “high” man bun indicates that this trend may be rooted in the intrinsic evolutionary desire of the modern man to become a unicorn.

A recent survey revealed that the gross majority of women find the man bun repugnant and refuse to date men who flaunt this bizarre hair style. Interestingly, women polled have expressed preference in the male ponytail over the man bun yet a mere 3-5 years ago, who among us thought that ponytail-guy would command a broader sexual audience outside of the typical biker rallies, NRA club, or state of South Dakota?

With the evolution of the man bun has come a new, innovative twist for the lazy man seeking this style. The clip on man bun allows the prospective bun-wearer to simply attach and remove this article of hair at will without the effort of growing or even occasionally washing this moppy mess atop his cranium. The clip on man bun best personifies the modern male who, despite endeavoring to adopt to new trends, is simply too lazy to do so. It’s a win-win for the contemporary dude.

man bun

For the low cost of $9.99, you too can adopt this style without any effort, you loathsome male diva you.

The key to sporting a successful man bun is all about environment. The man bun is a trendy and strategic social ploy used to define masculinity in a popularly androgynous way, thereby creating the perception that this fellow with the hair ball attached to his head has actualized social awareness. So much so, in fact, that the juxtaposition of femininity and masculinity is an afterthought is the wake of more explicit emotions such as total disgust or extreme sexual arousal. Perhaps in his own mind, man-bun-guy is the quintessential definition of highbrow class and lowbrow approachability. He’s a true social genius.

The downside to this postulation, however, is that when the man bun is articulated in the wrong social space such as a funeral, a birthday, or the workplace, it becomes dangerous. Surely it can be an aggressive style to introduce in certain arenas such as a child’s birthday party for fear that one might scare the children.  Man-bun-guy must exercise extreme caution other areas as well such as a job interview, otherwise the guy with a tattoo of an avocado on his neck might just get the job instead. A recent study found that by simply introducing just one man bun into a modern office, the vast majority of workers unconsciously donned sleeveless apparel and, almost divinely, all the women became pregnant.

A true social dichotomy, the man bun is a precarious trend for the average man to successfully adopt. We live in a judgmental world where reasonable fashion trends such as face tattoos and formal suits made entirely of meat have been unfairly ridiculed. Be careful out there, man-bun-guy, for you walk the road less traveled.

November 23, 2015
by Creed

Success Factors, pt. 4: The Apathetic

Some recent literature on has focused on the topic of work and how to it relates to children and life in general. Topics included how to train kids to adapt to modern working society as well as how to explain the concept of “employment” to a child. A child’s daily life is whimsical and timeless. Perhaps the true indicator of adulthood is when you consciously become aware that your life has shifted from timelessness to scheduling. Adult life is stringently scheduled and almost always do adult schedules operate around the idea of work. Employment has become the primary determinant for scheduling other, non-work related adult activities such as vacations, personal appointments and even things as routine as dinner and watching TV. There are four kinds of people in the modern workforce: the psychopath, the delusional, the realist, and the apathetic. In this new 4-part series, we’ll look at each segment of the population as it relates to employment.

Part 4: The Apathetic

The apathetic is someone who understands that work is trivial and in no way contributes to personal happiness. Often times, these people are labeled as “detached” or “indifferent” in the workplace. The truth, however, is that the apathetic are usually the people who have the fullest life and get to experience the widest array of the human experience. They are only steeped in apathy relative to their careers.

They care nothing for their jobs. They work because it is required to survive. The apathetic see money as nothing more than the paper that a corporate society has created as a means of control. They work. However they are perhaps the smartest and most intelligent employees available. Because they maintain the belief that work is only a function of social devolution, they are often perceived as lazy and underwhelming. Often times these indifferent barons of industry are glossed “sarcastic” or “condescending” by their peers. Because the apathetic comprehend the meaningless of modern work, they are not sought after. They do not tow the company line. They do not intentionally impress. They do the minimum simply because the minimum is all that’s required. For them to contribute more than the minimum to their employer, the minimum must be elevated.

The apathetic often work smarter than the average employee. In working smarter, they accomplish their requirements without much effort, leaving them more time to aid their personal life. The apathetic often have a more carefree and easy-going lifestyle because they are not preoccupied with the sheer idiocy that consumes The Psychopath or The Delusional. If an opportunity for professional advancement presents itself, the apathetic will accept it, but not pursue it if it requires professional competition. When this person is elevated into a position of higher status, they will quickly adapt and learn how to maintain their new job title doing only the minimum requirements, albeit different than before, but still the minimum nonetheless.

The apathetic go home. They are available. They are apathetic towards their work because they grasp the reality that mice running circles on a wheel seldom make any advancements. The identity of the apathetic is not wrapped up in any professional category. Perhaps ironically, the apathetic are the ones you want leading your company, yet rarely rise to those roles. Their peers look at them with disgust at how effortlessly they accomplish the same jobs, yet can’t help but marvel at the fact that despite their perceived professional mediocrity, they are never criticized or terminated. They are the most valuable employees around yet will never be the high watermark of professional excellence.

Employers create professional standards based on the model of the apathetic employee without even realizing it. Professional values espoused by Human Resource departments often mirror the values already embedded in the apathetic because values originate in the human and are not conjured magically from behind a desk. Things like integrity, passion, and responsibility. Employers ask their staffs to exhibit these values in their professional environments so as to better cultivate an interpersonal culture in the workplace that mirrors life more so than it mirrors work. The apathetic possess these values already yet have chosen to channel them into their lives, not their jobs.

What this really boils down to is utility. When the bulk of your adult life is spent engaged in your career, where is the utility there? When aspects of your existential being that formerly made you…YOU, have vanished in favor of your career, are you still able to have a sense of utility? If your day job is merely ancillary to your life, then maybe you are the apathetic. If you have trained your mind to understand that work is nothing more than a functional requirement of human existence, then this is you. Congratulations. Now go home early and still receive your fully salary.

Pt. 1, The Psychopath

Pt. 2, The Delusional

Pt. 3, The Realist

July 26, 2015
by Creed

The Vegan Rapper Inside

“Where’s the beef?” I scream aggressively as I head into the rap battle.

No one had told me beforehand that this was a vegan rap battle and that vegan rappers don’t beef, they tempeh. Embarrassed, I awkwardly mutter, “uh, where’s the effin tempeh, homies?” No one acknowledges. They see quite distinctly that it’s my first vegan rap battle and I’m clearly out of my element. Although a relatively experienced vegetarian wordsmith, I’ve admittedly not mastered the harmonious flow of the vegan freestyle nor honed my animal welfare vernacular enough to compete on the amateur vegan hip hop circuit.

MC Kale takes the stage and promptly calls the first contestants to the mic. I watch anxiously as Soyz ‘N the Hood drops a sick vegan flow on Lil’ Cauliflower. I instantly realize that I’m in over my head. These vegan rappers are hard and most of them veterans, highly seasoned, with nary a hint of dairy to be found. My heart races much like those of the swine before slaughter, or the bovine in steel-caged transport semis. I cower in the corner like a motherless baby cow, soon to be minced into veal on the mic.

MC Kale calls the shots. Rapper after rapper advances and soon it’ll be my turn. A novice vegan rapper at best, I’m merely a pawn in the plant-based rap game. A garden variety of experienced vegan freestylers have preceded me. Across the room, an honorary bust of the deceased Notorious FIG gazes my way. Tragically lost in the infamous red meat drive-by shooting outside LA many years ago, Notorious FIG still represents triumph and inspiration to much of the vegan rap community. My stomach turns as MC Kale calls me to the stage.

As I approach the mic, the crowd rains boos upon me. My stage name, Ludacrispy Tuna Roll, is inconsistent with vegan morals and the crowd reacts aggressively. I thought this was a vegetarian battle, where dairy products and seafood-centric flow would be welcome. I’m quite obviously an outsider here, as most of my rhyme book is laced with dairy-based insults and milk-chocolate-on-yo-momma rhetoric. Even my patented phrase, “leather-up, bitches” will not work with this audience. My opponent, Hay-Z, is one of the best known sustainable grain farmers on the underground vegan rap circuit. As Hay steps to the mic, he delivers a breathtaking beat down, exposing my lack of preparation and knowledge with slaughtering jabs like “you ain’t nuthin’ but edamame in my pod” and “just a brioche biotch”. I slowly disappear into the shadows, having been rapidly disposed of by a vegan rap assassin. Hay walks away victorious, the crowd throwing Hay’s trademark celebratory dark chocolate, sustainable almond cocoa nibs in the air.

I take my beating like a man yet still seek to vanish into the dark without encountering any haters. As MC Kale continues the semi-final round, I make my way towards the door. As I exit and turn the corner towards my environmentally friendly smart car, I see a silhouette of Notorious FIG step out of the shadows.

“You’re small time right now,” FIG asserts, “but you have the heart of a liberated Seaworld orca and the desire of a lamb scorned by the loss of his mother’s milk. Don’t give up. You have a vegan rapper inside you. We all do.”

Shocked by Fig’s assertion, I quickly turn to reply, but he’s already gone. Was he even there to begin with? Or was he a figment of my imagination? I’ll never know. As I drive home, I turn on an instrumental cut of Notorious FIG’s groundbreaking record “Born A-grain.” I start to conceive a new persona, something more consistent with wholesale animal wellbeing. The next vegan battle is the upcoming Friday at the organic farmers market. I’ll be ready.

July 17, 2015
by Creed

How to Write a Cover Letter

The cover letter. More meaningless a document does not exist in the professional world. The infamous cover letter. So often a requirement for job applicants…and yet is nothing more than the take-home-exam of the adult world. A good cover letter is only as good as the writer is imaginative. The cover letter is proof that one’s ability to present themselves with charisma trumps real world experience and expertise. It’s the photoshopped glamour shot of the employment sphere. With adult life so often surrounded by disappointment and letdown, there is still one place where you can be everything you hoped and dreamed to be…in your cover letter.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I’m writing this letter simply because it is a requirement of the applicant per your policy. Whilst I understand the requirement, I am struck by the remarkable meaninglessness of this document. A well-written cover letter will truly tell you nothing about me. I, like everyone else, will use this platform to convey my most desirable qualities while intentionally hiding my flaws.

A well-crafted cover letter is too obviously well-crafted. The flaw in such a document is that the applicant is given time and resources to best describe themselves in relation to a specific set of job requirements. Ultimately, the qualities I cite here in this letter may be different in my next cover letter, as the job demands are assuredly different. None of this self-characterization, however, reveals actual personal characteristics or work habits to the prospective employer.

I can use this space to tell you, the prospective employer, that I’m a genuinely hard worker who takes a tremendous amount of pride in my work. I could write that I’m a team player. I could say that I thrive in both independent and collaborative work environments. Of course, I’m only saying these things insofar as they are the things I think you would probably want to hear from a candidate. You’ll really never know if they are sincere or not until I’m hired.

What I, nor anyone else, would ever say in this letter is that I tend to get complacent in my work. I need constant challenges in order to grow. It is difficult for me to engage co-workers who I feel are not on my level of intellect. Admittedly, I will always strive to counsel my peers and subordinates in order to get the best out of them, yet once I see that someone is not buying in or is a lost cause, my relationship with that person pretty much ends. I probably wouldn’t want to say that I give up on people in a cover letter, however that’s the truth. If you, my co-worker and peer, does not endeavor to excel in your work as I do, then please go find something that makes you happy.

Unfortunately, I’m bound by the requirements of this job application to submit this straightforward description of my motivations and qualities. I’m a good guy and a good worker and yes, I have all the desired elements of this position and more. But how can you believe me after everything I’ve already said?

I feel that I’m a wonderful candidate for this job and that our professional relationship will flourish harmoniously and bestow equal fortune on both the business at hand and our aspirations for personal achievement. That was way too poetic.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you and have a great day. Or don’t. I really couldn’t care less.


June 19, 2015
by Creed

Success Factors, pt. 3: The Realist

Some recent literature on has focused on the topic of work and how to it relates to children and life in general. Topics included how to train kids to adapt to modern working society as well as how to explain the concept of “employment” to a child. A child’s daily life is whimsical and timeless. Perhaps the true indicator of adulthood is when you consciously become aware that your life has shifted from timelessness to scheduling. Adult life is stringently scheduled and almost always do adult schedules operate around the idea of work. Employment has become the primary determinant for scheduling other, non-work related adult activities such as vacations, personal appointments and even things as routine as dinner and watching TV. There are four kinds of people in the modern workforce: the psychopath, the delusional, the realist, and the apathetic. In this new 4-part series, we’ll look at each segment of the population as it relates to employment.

Part 3: The Realist

The realist is someone who understands that professional advancement can benefit them personally, but has little to no emotional stake invested in their career. The realist comprehends the importance of work insofar as it relates to their ability to survive in life. While the realist will occasionally utilize the tactics of The Psychopath and The Delusional, they generally maintain a knowledge that they are doing so temporarily in response to an opportunity to benefit their personal life. The realist can permeate the realms of psychopathic and delusional freely and return to their realistic state without guilt. Although they may employ the psychopathic and delusional strategies at times, the realist can typically achieve the desired results of either tactic without hurting or condemning those around them. They have an astute way of observing opportunity and attacking it without ever being labeled as “insane” or “suck-ups.”

The realist finds intrinsic value in their profession only insofar as it is actively benefitting their personal life. Typically, this is the person who will sacrifice personal time on occasion for work-related reasons but will just as easily say no when their career too forcefully interferes with their personal life. The realist has a balance that the delusional lacks and a sense of empathy that is absent from the psychopathic.

The crux of the problem when talking about a realist is professional and personal homeostasis. By seeing both sides of the scale, the realist maintains an equilibrium between work and home by valuing each equally, albeit differently. This is the type of person who understands the value of work only as it relates to the value of sustaining personal happiness. However, with personal and professional success still interconnected, the realist will always need both realms functioning equally well to benefit each other. The mind of the realist works like that of a Venn diagram, with two distinct spheres of life that are separate from each other but occasionally will overlap and influence one another.

What this really boils down to is utility. When the bulk of your adult life is spent painstakingly balancing your career and your life, where is the utility there? When aspects of your existential being that formerly made you…YOU, have vanished in favor of managing complete and total stability, are you still able to have a sense of utility? If your personal utility is ultimately linked to your day job, then you’ve reached this point of realism.

Pt. 1, The Psychopath

Pt. 2, The Delusional

June 14, 2015
by Creed

Opiate Fantasy, Incubus Incendiary

I wake up every morning. Everybody does. Sometimes it’s pleasant after a deep sleep. It feels good to be rested. It feels good to feel good. But the dreams…they are still there. Even after 9 years, the dreams persist. They haunt my subconscious. They glorify the entity that was once the most destructive force in my life. They make me covet. I want. I sleep out of necessity, like we all do. However, the freedom I’ve achieved in life is forever bound to the bondage I experience while I sleep. It reminds me in the worst ways.  The dreams are great. They are real. They are glorious. And that, perhaps, it what’s scariest.

I haven’t used OxyContin since 2006. Yet I can easily convince myself that I have relapsed many times, over and over again, in my sleep. The dreams. They persist. The grandiosity of my accomplishments in conscious life are dwarfed by my eternal inability to sober up my dreams. What seems like a nightmare in reality is an indulgence, nay, a luxury, in sleep. If sleeping is akin to dying then heaven is a giant prescription bottle and I die…again and again. Often times with far too much glee.

I cannot escape the dreams. I do not feel the aching in the dreams. I don’t hurt. My bones don’t cause me pain. My muscles don’t strain. I don’t sweat. I am free to use in my dreams without any side effects. They are deceptive, sometimes too deceptive. What seems like a sanctuary is in fact just the opposite. The dream world is safe insofar as it is consciously separate from the real world. The demarcation is clear, for now. Keeping the line in the sand visible is the only factor preventing the dream world from seeping into the real world. The mind cannot be controlled while sleeping and remembering what I dream about is a constant reminder that I am not well. That I’ll never be normal. That something man made can own a man. It’s a sad reality that’s defined through a distinct unreality. It’s not real yet the mind makes it real.

As the years have passed the dreams have become infrequent, yet never gone entirely. They return on a whim and enable only the best memories of using. They glorify death by masquerading as salvation. Dangerous little reminders of how much fun dying can be.

June 4, 2015
by Creed

“Don’t be Such a Tool:” A Guide to Middle Management

The modern workforce is all about job security. In order to protect your lifestyle and professional income, the average, mid-level manager must constantly be guarding his or her job security. The importance of this is so high in fact, that the realm of middle management has become as much about vigorously protecting one’s livelihood as it is about doing what’s right, what’s dignified, or what’s in the best interest of the company. When it comes to professional success, the lion’s share of effort must be channeled into securing one’s own future lest you be victimized by ambitious underlings or the company profit and loss statement. For the average mid-level manager, there is little to gain by putting in an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay…or so the expression goes. Protect your livelihood and cover your ass at every corner with a few foolproof tips and management style methods.

For those of us managing the operation in a manufacturing or industrial setting, the average hourly wage worker is either an immigrant, elderly, or a college aged student looking to supplement their education. In most cases they are grossly underpaid and often work in less-than-desirable physical conditions. All of these classes of people have a unique ability to be molded into a specialized proletariat designed to protect your own personal job security. In most cases, they are uneducated and live their lives paycheck to paycheck, just as most people do. However, you can motivate your people no matter what age or ethnic background and inspire productivity with a simple opportunistic phrases like, “don’t be such a tool” and “my god you’re useless.” In expertly leading your team, you are securing their loyalty and thereby protecting your own interests. If the tables turn, make sure you have pictures of them slacking off or breaking a company rule to use against them in exchange for their silence. Blackmail is still one of the most powerful devices for corporate compliance.

When it comes to appeasing your superiors, it is important to remember that virtually everything a mid-level manager does can be pencil whipped. The key is to be able to pencil whip various reports faster and more efficiently than your coworkers. It is crucial that you not reveal your expert pencil-whipping methods and even go as far as to let the more honest and foolish simpletons keep doing all your work the hard way while you sit back and arbitrarily enter fabricated data into a spreadsheet that quite honestly, no one is going to read anyway. Stay a step ahead of your peers and get a jump on your days pencil whipping from the comfort of your own toilet before even leaving the house in the morning. Everything can be done remotely these days, including falsifying company records during a bowel movement. What a time to be alive.

The longer you are employed in a like position, the easier the day-to-day work load becomes. Once you have mastered the art of condescendingly belittling your employees and contriving menial daily reports, it is critical to your success as a mid-level manager to find a new challenge to occupy your mind. A fun and effective way to do this is to create games around the workplace and test the operational acumen of your fellow managers. Create nuanced differences in their daily routines to test their endurance such as zip tying someone’s desk chair to a nearby file cabinet, removing their wireless router when they are away, or filling their desk drawers with random company materials to create the illusion that they are potentially stealing from the company. Clandestine forays into the work spaces of your colleagues can also yield rewards such as a nice pen with a clicky top or an expired can of Perrier which could be useful to slide into their muffler on the way to the car as you sneak out of work early for the 97th consecutive day.

Corporate culture is based on the principles of avarice and greed and by selfishly employing these tactics, you can quickly become a model mid-level manager within the corporate power structure. After slowly and quietly annihilating everyone around you, you’ll be poised to take that next step into upper management and reap the rewards at a higher volume using similar strategies. As you climb the corporate ladder, take solace in the fact that the sheer strength of your subterfuge propelled you to these heights. Promulgate this culture of dishonesty and egocentric gluttony by taking on a protégé and guiding him or her through the trials and tribulations you experienced as a novice deviant. As your apprentice grows into their role, be sure to routinely crush their spirit and throw them under the bus at every opportunity. After all, job security still reigns supreme.


May 15, 2015
by Creed

Silence is Golden and Other Noise-Related Lies

The ever-popular idiom “silence is golden” has become so engrained culturally that we inherently believe that silence is a sought after and desirable quality. As an adult, silence in solitude is a wonderful thing. However, silence is tricky because so often it can allude to something else. That something is almost always sinister and negative. The popular colloquialism is especially skewed by the presence of children. Much like other adult normalcies, kids ruin silence. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, however, since kids basically ruin everything. It is what they are best known for.

Silence is highly suspicious and potentially disastrous when a toddler is involved. Toddlers spend much of their little lives in some form of motion accompanied by incoherent chattering. There is nary a noise-free moment to be had in the presence of a toddler. When those moments eventually come, the silence is at best skeptical and nowhere near golden. If your toddler is quiet for more than 7 consecutive seconds, odds are he or she has discovered how to perpetrate some devious act that requires their complete focus. Silence from a toddler only exists insofar as it contributes to the concentration needed immediately prior to destroying a family heirloom or ingesting something illicit. The comfortable silence threshold for the parent of a toddler is exactly 6 seconds. Once that 7th second of silence hits, you better find that little creature fast.


Nary was sound was uttered during this expedition. Sneaky creatures, indeed.

Another noise-related colloquialism that champions silence is the expression “to reduce someone to silence.” This phrase usually indicates that the person enjoying the silence has done or said something so rebuking or thought-provoking that the other individual is literally speechless. In these instances, the rebuttal is so sharp or decisive that the individual can relish the noiselessness, knowing that their act or comment, “reduced the other person to silence.” When dealing with a toddler, however, the only one being routinely left speechless is the parent. There is no rebuking a baby. None. A toddler lives their life in a constant state of speechlessness and replaces any potential awe-inspired silence with a chorus of shrieks or squeals. Reducing a small child to silence is like hunting a Griffin with a laser gun…none of it exists.


You have a better chance of successfully hunting the mythical lion-eagle than enjoying silence in the presence of a toddler.

One of the more judicial colloquialisms of silence is the expression, “your silence implies your guilt.” This phrase can be used in the adult world when someone refuses to answer an accusatory question or pleads the 5th. It doesn’t work at the toddler level simply because toddlers are always guilty and never silent. Despite the fact that toddlers never shut up, it is safe to assume that they are always guilty. A toddler will never refute their guilt with a well-crafted alibi. Similarly, they will never remain silent…ever. As the parent, you’ll never find yourself saying, “your silence implies your guilt” to a toddler because the fact that they’re a toddler is enough to prove their guilt 100% of the time, usually in the noisiest fashion imaginable.


In a court of law, toddlers are presumed guilty and eventually proven guilty 100% of the time.

Idioms like these may be partially true at times in the adult world, but as usual with kids, the rules simply don’t apply. If you’re a parent, the word “silence” has been vanquished from your lexicon. Silence is neither golden nor reduced nor implicit of anything. It’s just gone. Forever.

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