Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best

May 15, 2016
by Creed

Intimacy and Parenting: A Lover’s Guide to Sex and Family

It’s a very well-known fact that having a child changes your life forever. Raising a small human requires an adult to totally reprioritize responsibilities. There are countless hours spent cooking, cleaning, and preparing all in the interest of keeping the little creature alive. Most adults guess their way through this process. Despite all the books and websites claiming to be experts on the subject, no one is qualified to tell you exactly how to reorganize your life and your priorities simply because no two people share the same responsibilities and character traits. Sacrifice must be made in order to raise a child. One arena where sacrifice is most evident is in the sex life of the parents. Sex is simply not a priority when compared to other factors like feeding and clothing the baby while straddling the poverty line and maintaining full-time jobs just to survive. There are, however, a variety of ways that the busy full-time employee/full-time parent can reap all the benefits of raising a healthy and happy child while still enjoying an abundance of unbridled, monogamous debauchery. This article will take you on a journey towards hedonistic bliss by describing several simple and unique ways to recreate that intense intimacy you experienced as a childless couple.

Sex type 1: Romantic

As a child rearing adult couple, romance has vanished entirely from your life and romantic sex is just a figment of your imagination. However, romantic pleasure can be recreated in a “Pinterest-project” like fashion with a few key ingredients like incense, candles, and a basket of pinecones. Prepare a warm greeting for your lover by lighting some scented wax and adorning the dinner table with a lovely seasonal centerpiece. Use these comfortable aromas and romantic motifs to draw her in for a night of that steamy auld lang syne lovin’. Of course, you’ll be fast asleep by the time she gets home but the effort was there and the pinecones smell amazing.

Sex type 2: Lustful

Ever gaze across the proverbial toy box that is your living room and catch your dime piece baby momma bending down to pick up some plastic race cars at just the right angle? That angle where the sun beam peeking through your faded white economy fauxwood shutters glances off her voluptuous backside at just the right divergence? You do. Lust rushes over you at that moment. You must have her. Ravish her. But alas, for the tiny human is but an earshot away and will surely appear at any moment. How do you recreate that impromptu, lustful coitus that you enjoyed regularly just a few short years ago? You don’t. Move on with your life and stop wearing sweatpants if you can’t control your urges.

Sex type 3: Filthy

At any given moment the average mature adult is just a slight tweak away from reverting back to a vile and immature dirt bag. It’s intrinsic in all of us. As a young, childless couple, embracing these instances is easy. When there is no burden of caring for child, one can freely move back and forth between responsible member of society and sexually perverse miscreant. Sharing a moment of pure, unbridled filth with your lover is a gift worth cherishing, as it’s one of the first things you must abandon as a parent. You can, however, recreate the atmosphere consistent with filthy deviant sex even after having a kid by remembering a few key points. Most importantly, remember that showering everyday might be socially encouraged but is in no way a requirement. Go ahead and wear those same sweatpants 3 or 4 or even 9 days straight. Go ahead. Embrace that filth. Use your disgusting body odor as the pheromone it is and return to your most animalistic to remind your lover of how vile and filthy you once were together. While there will certainly be no actual physical penetration, you can use your uncouth physical form and detestable odor as a reminder of those raw acts of obscene and offensive passion you once shared. Elevate your mind to fully embrace tangible filth and achieve a shared pleasure far greater than any sleazy intercourse could ever provide. After all, the brain is the largest erogenous zone.

Sex type 4: Angry

There’s nothing like a good fight between partners. Conflict can be healthy and although you may harbor some periodic resentment, ultimately the greater good typically shines through. The added benefit for those in a monogamous relationship is the sex that occasionally follows a good argument. Marriage is essentially constructed on the principles of healthy rage and rage love, rage sex, and rage snuggling are cornerstone of this institution. In a family environment, however, the rage persists but the required sexual resolution is often not realized. Pacify yourself in these situations by knowing that the rage will continue long after your child is grown and moved out. In the meantime, find other outlets for your rage. Coworkers and subordinate employees can fill this role nicely. If you find yourself lacking outlets for your anger, take up some hobbies that inherently embody the principles of healthy rage like golf, archery, or functional alcoholism. The fornication will eventually return to your temporary bouts of rage, but angry patience is important at this time.

Sex type 5: Monastic

The easiest way to survive sexual frustration as a married couple with a toddler is celibacy. Sexual abstinence is a noble and pious undertaking and can help connect you mentally and emotionally to other organic life forms that live without sex like trees, ferns, and soil. Become one with the Earth by adopting a sexual lifestyle similar to most house plants and asexual insects. Spend the bulk of your day focusing on your career, maintaining your home, and caring for your child by adopting the sexual tendencies of an aphid. Over time you’ll grow to embrace the monastic lifestyle as you fully transform into a vestal virgin of the hearth. Literally every form of life you encounter will be better off because of your ability to suppress your urges and embrace the observance of celibacy.

Raising a child is a trying time for a working couple and there are countless obstacles that must be reconciled in order to be successful. Don’t let your sexual relationship dictate your strength as a couple. Empower your family and move forward together by using these simple guidelines for maintaining various degrees of sexual intimacy.

May 8, 2016
by Creed

Color Me(,) Human

Attention everyone. There is a new, hot trend for the modern adult. Something simple that we can all embrace and together bask is a collective awesomeness. It’s not something that requires substantial income like a hot new fashion trend or substantial time commitments like a trendy new home décor style that needs time and planning. It’s a quick and inexpensive trend that we can all take part in within the confines of our own homes. Adult coloring. Adult coloring books are hot right now. So hot. So hot in fact that there’s a worldwide shortage of colored pencils. So get up and get coloring. Be you. Be expressive. Be super cool. Be like an 8-year-old.

adult coloring

Stop coloring. You’re 40.

Adult coloring has taken modern society by storm. Adults claim that resurrecting this childhood hobby is both relaxing and therapeutic. Get out from under that spousal-related stress by doodling little dragonflies in the pattern of a woven gingham bed skirt. Blow off that work-related frustration by tracing colorful lines around predetermined shapes, much like you did in kindergarten. After all, there is no one more docile and relaxed than a small child. Proof positive that coloring simply must be the answer to relieve that high-strung mentality you’ve come to embrace in adulthood.

You can purchase adult coloring books and the needed supplies at any arts and crafts store, big box retailer, or even from a variety of online shopping sites. There are countless resources for you as a fully mature human to frivolously spend money on this delightful, childhood hobby. By enabling this continuing trend, adults have seemingly made the hobby of coloring a metaphor for the inherent wastefulness of human life in general. The legendary medical researcher and virologist Jonas Salk once famously said that “if all insects on Earth disappeared, within 50 years all life on Earth would end. If all human beings disappeared from Earth, within 50 years, all forms of life would flourish.” Certainly Salk would not be at all surprised that the wasteful and destructive human was continuing his wasteful and destructive existence by coloring pastel florals and vibrant tropical hues in the comfort of his own living room for literally no reason at all. The decline of modern society and the phenomenon of adult coloring is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Humanity is doomed.

adult coloring

It’s a little known fact that mathematical prodigy and domestic terrorist Ted Kaczynski enjoyed him a good color.

Eventually every trend goes just a little too far and gets labeled as damaging. This has happened in a recurring fashion with seemingly normal and enjoyable hobbies like unbridled opiate abuse, abundant alcoholism, and intense sexual perversion. This will eventually happen with adult coloring as well. At some point, some lunatic will take coloring just a little too far and accidently massacre an entire congregation. When this happens, it will certainly ruin coloring as a viable hobby for all the other normal adults who legitimately color for fun and release. Embrace this trend while it’s popular and not considered socially deviant because eventually everyone who colors will be considered a de facto murderer. Moreover, consider leveling up this hobby immediately by bringing some coloring books into your lavish opium den to share with your harem. Aim high.

adult coloring

If your opium den doesn’t double as a coloring harem then you really need to reevaluate your life choices.

Like any trend, adult coloring will find its niche and eventually fade away from the mainstream. As we grow older, surely we’ll look back on this time and chuckle with glee. For it’s a unique time in our history. The population has never been more dense. The atmosphere never more polluted. The wealth/poverty gap has never been wider, we have an orange-skinned capitalist billionaire representing the Republican Party, and grown ass adults are spending time engaged in children’s activities for relaxation. What a time to be alive.

April 30, 2016
by Creed

Rage and Marriage

The institution of marriage is a thing of beauty. The tradition of holy matrimony between partners is a sacred union that requires love, compassion, understanding, teamwork, and compromise. But there is an oft overlooked component of a successful marriage that’s just as critical. Limitless rage.

The foundation of any good marriage is based on two things; love and rage. The most successful marriages, the ones that go the distance, combine these two aspects in perfect harmony thereby creating a scenario where rage becomes a basic need for survival. Marriage is practically designed to promote anger and hostility. Two autonomous beings living literally their entire lives together in the same home with countless shared interests will inevitably develop intense resentment, consistent disagreement, and ultimately, enough organic rage to power a small motor vehicle.


This is superficial rage at best. Not marriage material.

For the average heterosexual male, marriage is made easier simply because the average heterosexual female harbors an abundance of rage. Most women are hardwired in this way. Rage is a seemingly natural byproduct of the female genome. Men are introduced to this phenomenon very early in life, often from residing with an enraged mother or grandmother. It is a critical tool in preparing a young man for adulthood. One that’s sure to be filled with copious amounts of feminine rage. The men that let their marriages fail are usually the men ill-equipped at handling the aggressive hostility of the female rage rhino. Building up an endurance to this environment is of paramount importance and is especially crucial to cultivating a long-lasting and fruitful marriage that incorporates all the other factors of a healthy relationship such as compassion, compromise, and support. It takes a variety of such qualities to keep a marriage functioning and yet oddly enough they all grow from the male’s ability to tolerate and even embrace rage. Rage is foundational to all other healthy values and thereby the seed from which the marriage tree will either flourish or die.

Once a man has accepted an ample volume of rage into his life, very quickly he’ll become dependent on it. A man will actively search for new and creative ways to continually enrage his best gal simply because he needs to meet his basic needs. It is important that women recognize this need and react appropriately. Placing blame on the man for intentionally instigating conflict is cruel. It truly is not his fault that unbridled animosity now excites him.


You can tell a lot about a woman by how she attempts to murder you.

A wise man once said that marriage is simply about picking the battles you’ll eventually lose anyway but that’s not an accurate statement. Over time, years of marriage will train the married male to only find angry women attractive. Therefore, picking battles is not about losing, it’s about intentionally losing in order to generate more rage. Because of this fact, bdsm style sexual fantasies rarely work well in committed relationships because the very idea of marriage is rooted in bondage and it becomes redundant. You can, however, spice up sexy time with signature phrases like, “your mustache looks really good today” or “you’re so much like your mother.” Your woman will appreciate the extra effort you’ve made to increase your intimacy and reward you substantially with days of endless sex and a proverbial reservoir of bountiful anger.


Use body language and other non-verbal cues to encourage anger and ultimately, happiness.

The love between a man and woman is a priceless gift that should be cherished and appreciated to its fullest. Although at times marriage might seem like an endless cycle of failed preemptive strikes and routine guilt-shaming, it is simply about embracing the most important qualities and human values by effectively sowing the seeds of rage early and often. Don’t become indifferent to rage. Don’t lose that spark. Marriage is a fun and adventurous journey towards that inevitably painful death that awaits us all. Make the most of that journey.

March 9, 2016
by Creed

Cast Your Vote for Jesus

It’s a glorious time in America. A time when we can look towards the future with hope. A time when we can use our own voice to help this fine nation embrace positive change. A time that even the eldest among us has only experienced a handful of times, as it only comes around once every four years. It’s election season in America. So let’s gather ‘round and do something we haven’t done for four long years…let our voices be heard by Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, for it is he would will raise our president yet again.

Perhaps the greatest lie American citizens choose to believe is that they are an active member of a participatory democracy. With resounding vigor we attend political rallies and watch televised debates and our voices echo to the high heavens with glee as we listen to the latest guise of feigned sincerity and euphemisms espoused by the predetermined few we can cast our ballot for. For the citizens, there are a myriad of candidates to choose from that’s slowly narrowed down throughout the campaign process. These candidates are of diverse cultural backgrounds and educations. They’ve held a variety of different offices at different levels of state and national government. They have unique and distinct personalities and dramatic differences of opinion on how to run a nation. They have a profound variety of beliefs about science, technology and the future of America. There is literally only one thing that they consistently agree upon: The ultimate authority of the Judeo-Christian deity.

One would think that perhaps the greatest challenge a national political candidate faces is effectively appealing to a broad spectrum of individual. After all, there are dozens or races and hundreds of ethnic identities across a wide range of socioeconomic statuses and cultural worldviews. Quite a task it seems to be able to appeal similarly to all that. Yet one of the key advantages politicians have is that this same audience is filled with ignorance and empowered with the belief that their voice matters. As an example, the average voter is very open to hearing what the nominees have to say about real issues. Any random issue will work for this example. Say, an opinion on immigration or foreign policy or medical care. These are the types of issues we listen to. This is what’s debated. Ultimately, it’s these things that will “sell” that candidate best to voters. Yet while people readily seek to understand a particular candidate’s stance on similar issues, very few among us are willing to question why all the candidates are openly Christian. Or better yet, why we’ve had many prior openly Christian presidents, say for example, 43 in a row. It is facts such as the seemingly blind belief in Christianity that every past president has admitted to embracing that conveniently gets neglected by the average voter literally ever single election. Perhaps it’s a well-known fact that the majority of American voters readily identify with some branch of Christianity. Or perhaps it’s actually a legitimate occurrence that, by sheer coincidence, that last 43 qualified people to lead this country as elected by the citizenry just happened to be of the Christian faith. Or perhaps it’s good salesmanship.

In 1987 George Bush famously stated that atheists cannot be considered citizens or patriots and in doing so, he was well aware that such a statement posed absolutely no threat to his election. Indeed the dictum “one nation under god” is a concept wholly accepted by the vast majority of American voters. It is not merely allowed but fully expected that presidential candidates blatantly showcase their religiousness, no matter how supernatural the belief, so long as it runs parallel to the doctrines of Christianity.

Surely we can make a convincing argument that some of the more intellectual citizens elected as president couldn’t all possibly share the same religious outlook. What are the odds that there have truly been 43 consecutive Christian presidents? Rarely will you find a typical academic of the sciences who believes in a personal god and these are some of the most astute minds in existence. Yet somehow when it comes to becoming president, intelligent science doesn’t apply. There is a long standing history of presidential faith in Christianity, so much so that it might as well be part of the job description. So, let’s see. Must be a college graduate. Must have prior experience in high-ranking political office. Must be able to lift 50lbs from a squatting position. Must believe in Yahweh. Drug test required pending hire.

The only real alternative to believing that we’ve genuinely had a coincidental run of presidents subscribing to a similar faith is the possibility that some or many are lying. It’s an outlandish notion to think that a politician would lie. But if the general scholar of high academia rejects the idea of a personal god as so many do, one could only argue that the average intelligence and education of presidential nominees would put a great number of them in that same category. It’s certainly refreshing to believe that potential presidents might be lying about their religious views, as one’s metaphysical outlook shouldn’t much influence their ability to act as an intelligent and rational adult and yet they all seem to be well aware that a faith of any other kind or no faith at all would bar them from office. Intelligent Design aside, there’s no real reason to believe that a president of any faith ranging from staunch atheism to Jain dharma extremism couldn’t lead any more or less effectively than a Christian one. And yet this is what we’ve been left to choose from. Christians or liars.

The challenge in all this is doing the right thing. While the available candidates have been strongly restricted to you, your ability to vote for them is still your own free will. Ask yourself not what a particular nominee thinks is best for the oil industry or what their policy on Iran is, but ask them why they choose to believe in a being that has been utterly rejected by the very people guiding real, material change in this world. Perhaps ask them why their faith not lie with the Buddha or with other mythical beings of history like Odin or Zeus. Why are they being selective in their atheism? This is the real question at hand. While that answer may prove difficult to evoke, surely they can tell you about the monies available through the religious lobby. Or maybe they won’t tell you that. Maybe they’ll lie. Don’t get too close to the tree of knowledge, human.

January 23, 2016
by Creed

Hark! ‘Tis the Coiffure of a Bunned Man I See

Fashion is an unstable and malleable industry. Within the fashion industry, trends come and go seemingly at random and few people can successfully predict what will be the next hot style. In our current society, the hot trend is a hairstyle for men. The man bun. Like most hair trends, the male hair bun originated in the celebrity community and trickled down to normal society where like any other trend, it is embraced, abused, ridiculed and desired all at once.

The man bun is not for the faint of heart. It takes gall and self-assurance for the average man to make the life changing decision in adopting this most ridiculous of hair styles. Like so many other trends, however, this one is not equally embraced or detested. There are a garden variety of social miscreants who find this tightly wound yet disheveled ball of fur protruding from a man’s scalp to be attractive. While the style hasn’t exactly morphed into a foolproof means to bring about coitus with the opposite sex, it also hasn’t been totally rejected by the heterosexual female. The man bun, it seems, has found an awkward social space between disgusting vagrant and elitist Robber Baron.

man bun

The “high” man bun indicates that this trend may be rooted in the intrinsic evolutionary desire of the modern man to become a unicorn.

A recent survey revealed that the gross majority of women find the man bun repugnant and refuse to date men who flaunt this bizarre hair style. Interestingly, women polled have expressed preference in the male ponytail over the man bun yet a mere 3-5 years ago, who among us thought that ponytail-guy would command a broader sexual audience outside of the typical biker rallies, NRA club, or state of South Dakota?

With the evolution of the man bun has come a new, innovative twist for the lazy man seeking this style. The clip on man bun allows the prospective bun-wearer to simply attach and remove this article of hair at will without the effort of growing or even occasionally washing this moppy mess atop his cranium. The clip on man bun best personifies the modern male who, despite endeavoring to adopt to new trends, is simply too lazy to do so. It’s a win-win for the contemporary dude.

man bun

For the low cost of $9.99, you too can adopt this style without any effort, you loathsome male diva you.

The key to sporting a successful man bun is all about environment. The man bun is a trendy and strategic social ploy used to define masculinity in a popularly androgynous way, thereby creating the perception that this fellow with the hair ball attached to his head has actualized social awareness. So much so, in fact, that the juxtaposition of femininity and masculinity is an afterthought is the wake of more explicit emotions such as total disgust or extreme sexual arousal. Perhaps in his own mind, man-bun-guy is the quintessential definition of highbrow class and lowbrow approachability. He’s a true social genius.

The downside to this postulation, however, is that when the man bun is articulated in the wrong social space such as a funeral, a birthday, or the workplace, it becomes dangerous. Surely it can be an aggressive style to introduce in certain arenas such as a child’s birthday party for fear that one might scare the children.  Man-bun-guy must exercise extreme caution other areas as well such as a job interview, otherwise the guy with a tattoo of an avocado on his neck might just get the job instead. A recent study found that by simply introducing just one man bun into a modern office, the vast majority of workers unconsciously donned sleeveless apparel and, almost divinely, all the women became pregnant.

A true social dichotomy, the man bun is a precarious trend for the average man to successfully adopt. We live in a judgmental world where reasonable fashion trends such as face tattoos and formal suits made entirely of meat have been unfairly ridiculed. Be careful out there, man-bun-guy, for you walk the road less traveled.

November 23, 2015
by Creed

Success Factors, pt. 4: The Apathetic

Some recent literature on has focused on the topic of work and how to it relates to children and life in general. Topics included how to train kids to adapt to modern working society as well as how to explain the concept of “employment” to a child. A child’s daily life is whimsical and timeless. Perhaps the true indicator of adulthood is when you consciously become aware that your life has shifted from timelessness to scheduling. Adult life is stringently scheduled and almost always do adult schedules operate around the idea of work. Employment has become the primary determinant for scheduling other, non-work related adult activities such as vacations, personal appointments and even things as routine as dinner and watching TV. There are four kinds of people in the modern workforce: the psychopath, the delusional, the realist, and the apathetic. In this new 4-part series, we’ll look at each segment of the population as it relates to employment.

Part 4: The Apathetic

The apathetic is someone who understands that work is trivial and in no way contributes to personal happiness. Often times, these people are labeled as “detached” or “indifferent” in the workplace. The truth, however, is that the apathetic are usually the people who have the fullest life and get to experience the widest array of the human experience. They are only steeped in apathy relative to their careers.

They care nothing for their jobs. They work because it is required to survive. The apathetic see money as nothing more than the paper that a corporate society has created as a means of control. They work. However they are perhaps the smartest and most intelligent employees available. Because they maintain the belief that work is only a function of social devolution, they are often perceived as lazy and underwhelming. Often times these indifferent barons of industry are glossed “sarcastic” or “condescending” by their peers. Because the apathetic comprehend the meaningless of modern work, they are not sought after. They do not tow the company line. They do not intentionally impress. They do the minimum simply because the minimum is all that’s required. For them to contribute more than the minimum to their employer, the minimum must be elevated.

The apathetic often work smarter than the average employee. In working smarter, they accomplish their requirements without much effort, leaving them more time to aid their personal life. The apathetic often have a more carefree and easy-going lifestyle because they are not preoccupied with the sheer idiocy that consumes The Psychopath or The Delusional. If an opportunity for professional advancement presents itself, the apathetic will accept it, but not pursue it if it requires professional competition. When this person is elevated into a position of higher status, they will quickly adapt and learn how to maintain their new job title doing only the minimum requirements, albeit different than before, but still the minimum nonetheless.

The apathetic go home. They are available. They are apathetic towards their work because they grasp the reality that mice running circles on a wheel seldom make any advancements. The identity of the apathetic is not wrapped up in any professional category. Perhaps ironically, the apathetic are the ones you want leading your company, yet rarely rise to those roles. Their peers look at them with disgust at how effortlessly they accomplish the same jobs, yet can’t help but marvel at the fact that despite their perceived professional mediocrity, they are never criticized or terminated. They are the most valuable employees around yet will never be the high watermark of professional excellence.

Employers create professional standards based on the model of the apathetic employee without even realizing it. Professional values espoused by Human Resource departments often mirror the values already embedded in the apathetic because values originate in the human and are not conjured magically from behind a desk. Things like integrity, passion, and responsibility. Employers ask their staffs to exhibit these values in their professional environments so as to better cultivate an interpersonal culture in the workplace that mirrors life more so than it mirrors work. The apathetic possess these values already yet have chosen to channel them into their lives, not their jobs.

What this really boils down to is utility. When the bulk of your adult life is spent engaged in your career, where is the utility there? When aspects of your existential being that formerly made you…YOU, have vanished in favor of your career, are you still able to have a sense of utility? If your day job is merely ancillary to your life, then maybe you are the apathetic. If you have trained your mind to understand that work is nothing more than a functional requirement of human existence, then this is you. Congratulations. Now go home early and still receive your fully salary.

Pt. 1, The Psychopath

Pt. 2, The Delusional

Pt. 3, The Realist

July 26, 2015
by Creed

The Vegan Rapper Inside

“Where’s the beef?” I scream aggressively as I head into the rap battle.

No one had told me beforehand that this was a vegan rap battle and that vegan rappers don’t beef, they tempeh. Embarrassed, I awkwardly mutter, “uh, where’s the effin tempeh, homies?” No one acknowledges. They see quite distinctly that it’s my first vegan rap battle and I’m clearly out of my element. Although a relatively experienced vegetarian wordsmith, I’ve admittedly not mastered the harmonious flow of the vegan freestyle nor honed my animal welfare vernacular enough to compete on the amateur vegan hip hop circuit.

MC Kale takes the stage and promptly calls the first contestants to the mic. I watch anxiously as Soyz ‘N the Hood drops a sick vegan flow on Lil’ Cauliflower. I instantly realize that I’m in over my head. These vegan rappers are hard and most of them veterans, highly seasoned, with nary a hint of dairy to be found. My heart races much like those of the swine before slaughter, or the bovine in steel-caged transport semis. I cower in the corner like a motherless baby cow, soon to be minced into veal on the mic.

MC Kale calls the shots. Rapper after rapper advances and soon it’ll be my turn. A novice vegan rapper at best, I’m merely a pawn in the plant-based rap game. A garden variety of experienced vegan freestylers have preceded me. Across the room, an honorary bust of the deceased Notorious FIG gazes my way. Tragically lost in the infamous red meat drive-by shooting outside LA many years ago, Notorious FIG still represents triumph and inspiration to much of the vegan rap community. My stomach turns as MC Kale calls me to the stage.

As I approach the mic, the crowd rains boos upon me. My stage name, Ludacrispy Tuna Roll, is inconsistent with vegan morals and the crowd reacts aggressively. I thought this was a vegetarian battle, where dairy products and seafood-centric flow would be welcome. I’m quite obviously an outsider here, as most of my rhyme book is laced with dairy-based insults and milk-chocolate-on-yo-momma rhetoric. Even my patented phrase, “leather-up, bitches” will not work with this audience. My opponent, Hay-Z, is one of the best known sustainable grain farmers on the underground vegan rap circuit. As Hay steps to the mic, he delivers a breathtaking beat down, exposing my lack of preparation and knowledge with slaughtering jabs like “you ain’t nuthin’ but edamame in my pod” and “just a brioche biotch”. I slowly disappear into the shadows, having been rapidly disposed of by a vegan rap assassin. Hay walks away victorious, the crowd throwing Hay’s trademark celebratory dark chocolate, sustainable almond cocoa nibs in the air.

I take my beating like a man yet still seek to vanish into the dark without encountering any haters. As MC Kale continues the semi-final round, I make my way towards the door. As I exit and turn the corner towards my environmentally friendly smart car, I see a silhouette of Notorious FIG step out of the shadows.

“You’re small time right now,” FIG asserts, “but you have the heart of a liberated Seaworld orca and the desire of a lamb scorned by the loss of his mother’s milk. Don’t give up. You have a vegan rapper inside you. We all do.”

Shocked by Fig’s assertion, I quickly turn to reply, but he’s already gone. Was he even there to begin with? Or was he a figment of my imagination? I’ll never know. As I drive home, I turn on an instrumental cut of Notorious FIG’s groundbreaking record “Born A-grain.” I start to conceive a new persona, something more consistent with wholesale animal wellbeing. The next vegan battle is the upcoming Friday at the organic farmers market. I’ll be ready.

July 17, 2015
by Creed

How to Write a Cover Letter

The cover letter. More meaningless a document does not exist in the professional world. The infamous cover letter. So often a requirement for job applicants…and yet is nothing more than the take-home-exam of the adult world. A good cover letter is only as good as the writer is imaginative. The cover letter is proof that one’s ability to present themselves with charisma trumps real world experience and expertise. It’s the photoshopped glamour shot of the employment sphere. With adult life so often surrounded by disappointment and letdown, there is still one place where you can be everything you hoped and dreamed to be…in your cover letter.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I’m writing this letter simply because it is a requirement of the applicant per your policy. Whilst I understand the requirement, I am struck by the remarkable meaninglessness of this document. A well-written cover letter will truly tell you nothing about me. I, like everyone else, will use this platform to convey my most desirable qualities while intentionally hiding my flaws.

A well-crafted cover letter is too obviously well-crafted. The flaw in such a document is that the applicant is given time and resources to best describe themselves in relation to a specific set of job requirements. Ultimately, the qualities I cite here in this letter may be different in my next cover letter, as the job demands are assuredly different. None of this self-characterization, however, reveals actual personal characteristics or work habits to the prospective employer.

I can use this space to tell you, the prospective employer, that I’m a genuinely hard worker who takes a tremendous amount of pride in my work. I could write that I’m a team player. I could say that I thrive in both independent and collaborative work environments. Of course, I’m only saying these things insofar as they are the things I think you would probably want to hear from a candidate. You’ll really never know if they are sincere or not until I’m hired.

What I, nor anyone else, would ever say in this letter is that I tend to get complacent in my work. I need constant challenges in order to grow. It is difficult for me to engage co-workers who I feel are not on my level of intellect. Admittedly, I will always strive to counsel my peers and subordinates in order to get the best out of them, yet once I see that someone is not buying in or is a lost cause, my relationship with that person pretty much ends. I probably wouldn’t want to say that I give up on people in a cover letter, however that’s the truth. If you, my co-worker and peer, does not endeavor to excel in your work as I do, then please go find something that makes you happy.

Unfortunately, I’m bound by the requirements of this job application to submit this straightforward description of my motivations and qualities. I’m a good guy and a good worker and yes, I have all the desired elements of this position and more. But how can you believe me after everything I’ve already said?

I feel that I’m a wonderful candidate for this job and that our professional relationship will flourish harmoniously and bestow equal fortune on both the business at hand and our aspirations for personal achievement. That was way too poetic.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you and have a great day. Or don’t. I really couldn’t care less.


June 19, 2015
by Creed

Success Factors, pt. 3: The Realist

Some recent literature on has focused on the topic of work and how to it relates to children and life in general. Topics included how to train kids to adapt to modern working society as well as how to explain the concept of “employment” to a child. A child’s daily life is whimsical and timeless. Perhaps the true indicator of adulthood is when you consciously become aware that your life has shifted from timelessness to scheduling. Adult life is stringently scheduled and almost always do adult schedules operate around the idea of work. Employment has become the primary determinant for scheduling other, non-work related adult activities such as vacations, personal appointments and even things as routine as dinner and watching TV. There are four kinds of people in the modern workforce: the psychopath, the delusional, the realist, and the apathetic. In this new 4-part series, we’ll look at each segment of the population as it relates to employment.

Part 3: The Realist

The realist is someone who understands that professional advancement can benefit them personally, but has little to no emotional stake invested in their career. The realist comprehends the importance of work insofar as it relates to their ability to survive in life. While the realist will occasionally utilize the tactics of The Psychopath and The Delusional, they generally maintain a knowledge that they are doing so temporarily in response to an opportunity to benefit their personal life. The realist can permeate the realms of psychopathic and delusional freely and return to their realistic state without guilt. Although they may employ the psychopathic and delusional strategies at times, the realist can typically achieve the desired results of either tactic without hurting or condemning those around them. They have an astute way of observing opportunity and attacking it without ever being labeled as “insane” or “suck-ups.”

The realist finds intrinsic value in their profession only insofar as it is actively benefitting their personal life. Typically, this is the person who will sacrifice personal time on occasion for work-related reasons but will just as easily say no when their career too forcefully interferes with their personal life. The realist has a balance that the delusional lacks and a sense of empathy that is absent from the psychopathic.

The crux of the problem when talking about a realist is professional and personal homeostasis. By seeing both sides of the scale, the realist maintains an equilibrium between work and home by valuing each equally, albeit differently. This is the type of person who understands the value of work only as it relates to the value of sustaining personal happiness. However, with personal and professional success still interconnected, the realist will always need both realms functioning equally well to benefit each other. The mind of the realist works like that of a Venn diagram, with two distinct spheres of life that are separate from each other but occasionally will overlap and influence one another.

What this really boils down to is utility. When the bulk of your adult life is spent painstakingly balancing your career and your life, where is the utility there? When aspects of your existential being that formerly made you…YOU, have vanished in favor of managing complete and total stability, are you still able to have a sense of utility? If your personal utility is ultimately linked to your day job, then you’ve reached this point of realism.

Pt. 1, The Psychopath

Pt. 2, The Delusional

June 14, 2015
by Creed

Opiate Fantasy, Incubus Incendiary

I wake up every morning. Everybody does. Sometimes it’s pleasant after a deep sleep. It feels good to be rested. It feels good to feel good. But the dreams…they are still there. Even after 9 years, the dreams persist. They haunt my subconscious. They glorify the entity that was once the most destructive force in my life. They make me covet. I want. I sleep out of necessity, like we all do. However, the freedom I’ve achieved in life is forever bound to the bondage I experience while I sleep. It reminds me in the worst ways.  The dreams are great. They are real. They are glorious. And that, perhaps, it what’s scariest.

I haven’t used OxyContin since 2006. Yet I can easily convince myself that I have relapsed many times, over and over again, in my sleep. The dreams. They persist. The grandiosity of my accomplishments in conscious life are dwarfed by my eternal inability to sober up my dreams. What seems like a nightmare in reality is an indulgence, nay, a luxury, in sleep. If sleeping is akin to dying then heaven is a giant prescription bottle and I die…again and again. Often times with far too much glee.

I cannot escape the dreams. I do not feel the aching in the dreams. I don’t hurt. My bones don’t cause me pain. My muscles don’t strain. I don’t sweat. I am free to use in my dreams without any side effects. They are deceptive, sometimes too deceptive. What seems like a sanctuary is in fact just the opposite. The dream world is safe insofar as it is consciously separate from the real world. The demarcation is clear, for now. Keeping the line in the sand visible is the only factor preventing the dream world from seeping into the real world. The mind cannot be controlled while sleeping and remembering what I dream about is a constant reminder that I am not well. That I’ll never be normal. That something man made can own a man. It’s a sad reality that’s defined through a distinct unreality. It’s not real yet the mind makes it real.

As the years have passed the dreams have become infrequent, yet never gone entirely. They return on a whim and enable only the best memories of using. They glorify death by masquerading as salvation. Dangerous little reminders of how much fun dying can be.

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