Being a man is hard. However, when it comes to pitying the sexes, women usually receive all the sympathy simply because they are expected to endure scheduled hardships periodically throughout their lives. Women have to go through an arguably more awkward puberty than men. They have to tolerate their monthly vaginal bleeding. In most societies, they are expected to bear children. At a certain age, they will all undergo the physical change from fertile lady to dried up old broad. More importantly, many are also expected to tolerate men for much of their lives in various forms which leads to mental instability and emotional turmoil. Yes, women have it rough. However, simply being a woman makes many of these fates inevitable. It is part of being a woman.
Manhood, on the other hand, is significantly harder for several reasons. Unbeknownst to much of the world’s female population, the suffering of manhood is predicated on the very being that receives all the sympathy votes: a woman. What’s unique about men, is that we are better equipped to cope with suffering. A man will live his entire life in a silent state of personal anarchy because he is a man. By cleaving to his own masculinity, men are inherently outfitted with a special skill set that masks their eternal suffering. When you see two married men give each other a slight head nod in public, they are basically saying, “I share your burden, brother,” as they both silently persevere through their endlessly painful existences.
In order to properly shed light on the never ending hardships of manhood, we need to examine the hardships of a woman point-by-point, since women are truly the root cause of all male misery.
- Puberty – Women are noticeably awkward as they change from girls into ladies. The physical changes alone cause a woman great discomfort, as their body morphs from something resembling a praying mantis into something resembling an artfully crafted snowman. As a girl grows into a woman, she experiences not just the obvious changes like menstruation but the less obvious ones as well, like how she perceives her own body which is unfortunately influenced by how the males around her perceive her changing body as well. Women typically go through puberty earlier than men. For young boys, this is an extremely intimidating time. Imagine the fear of approaching a person you’ve targeted in a bar or some social event. The anxiety that overcomes the entirety of your existence. Encapsulated momentarily within your cells…freezing you in your seat. That feeling. That intense anxiety is what boys going through puberty endure every single day. As the female folk around you mature seemingly overnight and emerge from their cocoons as full-fledged woman, the boy who’s still a boy watches helplessly, waiting for that first sprig of pubic hair to emerge like a frightened gopher on a golf course. Waiting for his voice to not sound like he’s huffing helium. Waiting. This is the first instance in a man’s life when he experiences powerlessness. It crushes his soul yet prepares him emotionally for what will assuredly be a lifetime of emptiness in manhood.
- Menstruation – A woman has to endure at least half a lifetime of monthly bleeding. It’s unfortunate. However, women like to hang this over men. They like to use their physiology against men. It is certainly not a man’s fault that the female body was constructed in such a way. But any man who’s dealt with a menstruating woman on multiple occasions knows that the male species actually suffers far worse. A menstruating woman indicates several things to a man. Most importantly, that you succeeded in NOT planting your seed for another month. However, it also means that at any moment, you could be the victim of a verbal and physical onslaught which may or may not include various weaponry directed towards you. What’s more perplexing, is that just moments after you’ve escaped certain death, you could be expected to act as an emotional confidant or proverbial shoulder-to-cry-on lest you again become the target of another armed attack. Even more vexing yet, is that the very same woman who went most of the month not wanting to sex you up, will now throw herself at you with the unbridled randy-ness of a drunken sorority sister. Tread lightly men, and use one of the darker colored bathroom towels.
- Childbirth – Yet again we have another phenomena reserved exclusively for the female kind: childbirth. Women are expected in most societies to produce children. It is the number one way we humans keep the human species in existence. However, dealing with a pregnant woman features all the awkwardness of puberty combined with all the schizophrenic rage of menstruation. It is the perfect storm for male anguish. Being a man involved with a pregnant woman means that you’re not only on-call to her whimsy, but it ultimately gets chalked up to the unborn fetus inside her, driving her haphazard emotions. Women have an escape valve when it comes to pregnancy, because despite all the psychotic rage, depressed crying, rampant horniness, and intense illness, they are never at fault because they have something growing inside them and thus justifying their behavior. Men, however, do not have this method of escape. Instead, we cater willingly to the pregnant woman using the guise of “womb service” all with a smile on our face, all the while wishing that a supernatural lightning bolt would incinerate the entire house with the force of a thousand suns. The best and worst part about pregnancy is that it is temporary. For all men, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That light, unfortunately, is merely a mirage in the barren desert of the male life, as ultimately what emerges from the womb will only serve to exacerbate our already troubled existence. Spoiler alert men, it is a baby that will come out. She’s not giving birth to a 6-pack and a plate of nachos.
- Menopause – As a woman ages, she undergoes yet another physical metamorphosis as she transforms from a woman into an antique. Women experience this change at different times in their adult lives, but the end result is the same. When the phase is complete, she will no longer be forced to endure her routine monthly bleeding nor will she be eligible to become pregnant, however her mutation from babe to bag will introduce a whole new set of challenges to the male affiliated with her. As we previously discussed, men mature at a slower rate than women so it is inevitable that at some point in the average marriage, a man will be bound to a woman who’s interests include gardening, knitting, crocheting, and most of the activities shown in Cialis commercials. For the free-wheeling man still embracing his youth despite his age, this is a challenging prospect. Hopefully the decades of sheer agony you’ve already undergone have left you as a shell of your former self so you can better adapt to the lifestyle changes of the geriatric woman you’ll be living with.
The truth is, however, that men love women. Love them, which is why they tolerate such intense hardship. The trick is to find a woman who strikes a perfect balance of what you as a man want. Speaking for our organization as a whole, men want a lady in public places, a freak in the bedroom, a professional masseuse right before bed, and a dude the rest of the time. That’s it. Ultimately it is very simple.
As a man, defending your manhood is a triumph. Society had made it increasingly difficult for a man to overcome the challenge of a woman with its various women’s rights initiatives and vast social push for equality. Men need to learn to adapt to the modern day woman and all the obstacles that go along with her. As a man, you can escape the turmoil of your life momentarily by embracing things that society has deemed “manly.” Like watching grown men in heavy equipment running into each other while they chase after a ball. Find brief solace in other manly things. Drink a beer in the shower. Eat a block of cheese for dinner. Kick something once in awhile. Anything. Just kick it. Construct a ship in a bottle. Go hunting, fishing, or whittle a shiv out of a piece of driftwood. Uphold you masculine honor with other men by discussing manly enterprises, like archery, dueling, or chess. After all, it is still a man’s world. The modern man must go the extra mile to carve out a space of masculine solace.