Show me a holiday that’s designed exclusively for children, and I’ll show you a holiday that adults will eventually seize, overthrow, and capture for themselves. Think about it. Virtually every holiday that we celebrate in this wonderful nation has now become an excuse to get heavily intoxicated and binge eat. Even days that were not traditionally considered holidays like St. Patrick’s Day have become annual celebratory occasions for the excessive consumption of alcohol. Halloween is even more special because it allows adults to forego reality altogether and dress up as mythical or fantastic things. As the true definition of an added perk, adults also have the ability to commandeer their younglings candy hoard in the subsequent days.
Adults dressing up in Halloween costumes is the most tragic and laughable modern twist on this once great holiday. When I was a kid back in the early 90s, adults only donned Halloween costumes insofar as they were chaperoning their progeny during a raucous night of unbridled candy scavenging around the hamlet. Modern adult Halloween costumes are used for nothing of the sort. Nowadays, adults spend hours and dollars to create or buy the most outrageous, frightening, hilarious, or provocative ensembles to impress other adults and maybe, just maybe, solicit some drunken intercourse from a total stranger. Modern Halloween is akin to going to singles night at a circus.
One of the key components to a successful Halloween is no longer a quiet residential neighborhood or even the presence of children. In fact, the only two ingredients required for Halloween triumph are alcohol and stupidity. In much the same way a fraternity operates, Halloween enthusiasts will thrive whether or not children are involved and having fun. Kids have become ancillary to a happy Halloween party. So long as there are immature and juvenile grown persons dressed as idiots, all that’s required is alcohol and Halloween has been executed flawlessly. Well done, grown-ups.
Revolting against this ridiculous trend is futile. Moronic adults will always outnumber those of us who, well, aren’t. Perhaps even more disheartening is the fact that these Halloween jerkoffs have an increased likelihood of procreating, especially considering their inebriated state and already poor decision-making abilities. The only salvation from this lunacy is retreating into your home, turning off the lights, and hanging a pentagram soaked in the blood of an infant goat from your door. At the very least, your house will look scary, which as I recall was once one of the cornerstones of physical Halloween decor. Despite all the promiscuously dressed Halloween hussies, I’ve yet to see a sexy front door in the residential world. At least household decoration is still relatively consistent with historical tradition.
Fraternizing with the dimwitted masses is unavoidable in life. Unfortunately, these people are everywhere. At work. Shopping. Dining in restaurants. And they cannot be stopped. These are also the people who will invite you to their children’s birthday, then use Halloween for their own selfish endeavors. By all means, invite me to your child’s birthday party, just make sure there is an open bar. Actually it won’t even matter, I’ll already be drunk when I arrive.