Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best


Autumnal Darkness

| 1 Comment

The autumn season is in full swing and never is that more apparent than when people constantly remind you that it is, indeed, fall. Humans feel the need to fill silence with meaningless conversation and the annual onset of autumn is one of the most prevalent ways that the socially needy will justify breaking any peaceful silence. The fall season is applauded for its beauty. It is widely recognized for transitional esteem, as the bountiful summer foliage takes on breathtaking hues as it experiences its annual decline into morbidity. Autumn also signifies the beginning of seasonal togetherness. There is no time like autumn to reunite with people you don’t want to spend time with the rest of the year.

One of the most immediately recognizable characteristics of autumn is the changing of the flora. Fall is renowned for the beauty that natural vegetation dons as it descends yet again into death. If the cycle of seasons were institutions of human wellness, autumn is the hospice. Loyal autumn promoters take this opportunity to spend one last moment with the terminal wildlife before it decays completely and vanishes. The is nothing less hopeful than a hospice and nothing more depressing than autumn. After all, there is no better occasion for celebration than watching a loved one drift towards the light.


The Roman Emperor Nero enjoyed the blood of slain Christians on his front lawn as aesthetically pleasing.

Fall is truly a time for the senses. In addition to the beautiful disintegration of wildlife, autumn also provides a series of sensory delights for the tongue and nose. Many popular flavors are now becoming readily available that seemingly do not exist any other time of year. Pumpkin spice is the ringleader of this uncontrollable mob of pseudo-flavors. While it is a relatively well known fact that pumpkin spice contains no pumpkin whatsoever, the autumn loyalists form a line that wraps thrice around the local Starbucks just so they can pay $8 for an arbitrary mixture of ginger, nutmeg, and cinnamon. Additionally, the exceedingly rare cows that produce the mysterious egg-like milk substance known as egg nog become fully mature this time of year. It is a little known fact amongst the seasonal flavor junkies that it takes 10 years to successfully cross-breed a cow and an egg to create this holiday delight. Enjoy your egg nog sparingly, as it is the furthest thing from a renewable resource currently in existence.


The cows that produce pumpkin spice egg nog are rarely seen in their natural habitat.

Another exciting highlight of the current season is the nearing turkey genocide. For 10 months out of the year, most turkeys live peaceful lifestyles free from the perils that await other delicious birds of a similar genome. However, for a turkey, autumn signifies more than dying foliage and made-up flavors, it brings the annual holocaust of their kind. For the bulk of the year, most people are quite content to live their mundane lives without the presence of a turkey. However, as the weather and surrounding nature take on a darker and more somber appearance, so too does the life expectancy of most turkeys. For the next 2 months, turkeys will be targeted more aggressively that a catholic priest running a non-secular orphanage for misguided adolescents.


Gather ’round the table and enjoy what’s easily one of the ugliest creatures in existence.

The final cornerstone of the autumn season is the familial togetherness it represents. Many people will utilize this time of year to reconnect with friends and family. Typically, these celebrations will occur indoors in the presence of a freshly roasted turkey accompanied by virtually all of the frivolous flavors of the season. Familial intimacy during autumn is boosted by the presence of everything that makes the season great: dead turkeys, frigid cold, and contrived flavors. As the outside world succumbs to the freezing temperatures and you are forced into your home for warmth, be sure to spend as much time inside with the people you only want to see when you literally have no other options.

As the autumn season slowly wanes into another bleak winter, remember everything you’ve read here and keep your head up. After all, this is a time to celebrate natural death and artificial delights. There is truly no better time to embrace your Americanism. Happy holidays.

One Comment

  1. Pingback: Santa's Lap - Dad for Beginners

Leave a Reply

Required fields are marked *.

%d bloggers like this: