Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best

How to Save Money, pt. 4: The Bondage of Baby Clothing


For a variety of reasons, there are few things more frustrating than baby clothing. Most obviously, baby clothing is a never-ending expense that is predictably cyclical in nature and ongoing until your baby reaches a physical plateau. Secondly, babies, much like zoo animals and convicted felons, crave freedom. Infancy is one of the brief eras in the modern human life when nakedness is perfectly acceptable in virtually any situation. Moreover, baby clothes are subject to the same parental vanity as any other baby accessory and become quite expensive. It is for all these reasons that new parents are all the wiser to save themselves some coin and forego an abundant wardrobe of baby attire altogether.

Once a baby is born, there are only a few certainties for the new parents. 1. It will need to eat. 2. It will shit. 3. It will cry, and 4. It will grow. Now while clothing is in no way a requirement for newborn babies, one of the tangential certainties is that it will likely get cold. The fatless and frail physical frame of a new baby almost guarantees that at some point, given your geographical proximity to the equator, your baby will get cold and therefore will need to be clothed at least a percentage of the time. However, in reference to certainty #4, that the baby will grow, it is implied that once you do clothe your baby, you’ll be enrolled in a ceaseless cycle of discarding old clothes and procuring new, larger ones. The rate at which a baby grows rivals that of other notoriously rapid growing entities like sea kelp, blue whale calves, sunflower bamboo, or an inebriated married man’s ego at a singles karaoke night. Be prepared to experience an endless cycle of re-outfitting your tiny human with size-appropriate baby clothing.

baby clothing

Welcome to Oman. Famous for having one of the most comfortable year round climates on Earth. Baby clothes not required.

Secondly, it is a well-known fact that babies like freedom. Much like zoo animals and convicted felons, babies desire liberty. Similarly to nudists, infants crave unbridled nakedness. This desperate pursuit of infant nudity is where you as the parent can corral those greenbacks and work that Visa card down to an almost manageable debt. Baby nakedness is wonderful for the baby because it provides much-needed aeration to the nether regions. Being wrapped up tightly in a diaper all night, sitting in a pool of urine doesn’t give the sensitive epidermis the needed exposure to healthy air. More importantly, it is socially acceptable for a human baby to be naked in virtually any scenario. Allowing your baby to roam naked freely will save you some time and money. As long as you keep that bottle of Resolve handy for when he or she drops a load on the carpet, you’re going to be just fine.

baby clothing

Invite the boys over for some beer, wings, and naked time. Male bonding at the infant level is as close to utopia as you’ll find.

Most importantly in the quest to save some dollars via baby clothing is to not get caught up in the vanity of baby apparel. Just like in the adult world, baby apparel has a designer version of virtually everything. From useless shoes to seasonal garments, even frivolous baby accessories, parents too easily get vacuumed into the world of baby vainglory. A baby will never care about the public perception of their onesie. They will not lament the discount sweater you picked up at Ross because the cold winter weather drove up your electrical bill. A baby will be just as satisfied in a burlap sack with arm and leg holes as they will in Burberry boxed bodysuit and hat from Nieman Marcus for $150.

baby clothing

A onesie has a lifespan of exactly two to three weeks. Spend your $150 wisely.

There are few things more frustrating than baby clothing. However, we, the conceited and selfish consumer make it all the more difficult. A baby will always grow and will always need new clothes, but the expense can be kept to a minimum unless you want to go ahead and get your spawn a pack of Marlboro Reds and some Folgers crystals and really end the growth cycle early. Until then, set your vanity aside, enjoy some turbulent and unchecked nakedness, and just remember that whatever clothes you bought today will be irrelevant in a matter of weeks. Cheers.

Looking for more useful ways to save money? Click here.

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