Dad for Beginners

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Parents, Babies, and Human Waste: A Short Treatise on Infant Feces


People don’t like to discuss human defecate. For some reason, human bowel movements are socially taboo. It makes little sense since humans will willingly discuss things like breathing, sleeping, eating and virtually every other physiological requirement without any concern for social convention. But when it comes to poo, people shy away from the topic.

Parents of toddlers and babies, on the other hand, have absolutely no qualms about diving into poo. Both in a social setting and quite literally diving right into it with their hands. As a parent of an infant or toddler, handling human excrement becomes as normal as deciding what to have for dinner. The volume of feces that a baby produces is simply astonishing given their relative size and diet. For a miniature creature who consumes only small quantities of food throughout the day, the amount of times a baby or infant has to evacuate their bowels is truly amazing.

baby poop

To poop as much as a baby, most adults would need a steady diet of Taco Bell and Metamucil.

As the parent to a tiny poop machine, one quickly learns that getting your hands dirty is a requirement. While at first it may seem disgusting and vile, after a few journeys into a blown out diaper, parents quickly adapt to the fecal mess and it becomes perfectly normal. In fact, as time goes on, parents will develop a remarkable ability to identify the subtle characteristics of baby poop and determine not only what previously consumed foodstuff is currently exiting but how the pungent odor relates to the food consumed. Touching baby poop is the ultimate destiny of virtually every parent and although it is gross at first, it becomes no different that manipulating any other like substance such as mashed potatoes or cottage cheese. If handling human fecal matter is the key to long life, I’ll probably live to be about 90. My wife will probably live forever.

baby poop

You won’t need a photographic memory to appropriately discuss this poop later with your fellow parents. You’ll remember every detail.

As a topic of discussion amongst new parents, virtually nothing is off limits now that anthropoid dung is a relevant and acceptable topic of conversation. New parents, especially mothers, share an uncanny ability to carry on a 15 – 20 minute discussion about not only the frequency of their baby’s bowel movements, but the size, texture, scent, and consistency of the excretion. Few things are more important than recounting how many times your baby dropped a load and what it looked like.

The only significant characteristic that separates baby poop from adult poop is the abhorrent and detestable odor. Adults, for the most part, relieve themselves in a toilet and the instant submerging of the dookie traps the unpleasant aroma. Babies, on the other hand, poop wherever they feel the need and almost never is it into a porcelain bowl of odor-trapping liquid. The fragrant musk of fresh baby droppings can only be described as tantamount to warm roadkill on hot asphalt. The effluvium of a fresh loaf of baby defecate is a bouquet enjoyed only by the seasoned, poo-handling parent.

baby poop

A baby will never thank you for wiping their ass. Form the poo into an artfully crafted message of affection if you ever feel down.

As a parent who comfortably handles and discusses poop, it is tough to remember where you are sometimes. Toggling back and forth between dad and dude is an ability harnessed by only the strong willed and lucid minded. Often times I misplace my verbiage and tell a co-worker that I have to go poo poo. Conversely, I occasionally tell my 14-month-old son to excuse me while I take a shit. It is hard to be consistent with proper nomenclature when there are so many ways to describe an impending need to evacuate percolating human waste.

As you go forward with the knowledge that it is perfectly normal to discuss human feces, keep in mind that the average parent lives this lifestyle on a daily basis. If you are ever uncomfortable or queasy in the presence of poo, just remember that you were a baby once and at some point, someone else wiped your shit. Also keep in mind that as you age, there is an ever-increasing possibility that you’ll once again be needing someone to handle your feces. That person will be a hospice caretaker or a doctor taking a stool sample. Be content with discussing and examining human waste because life comes full circle and poop plays a leading role.

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