Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best

Wrap That Thing Up

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Wrapping it up is a key ingredient in becoming a parent. Men especially will want to wrap it up because we simply do not have the control of a woman. By wrapping it up, men can prevent something from slipping out and ending up where it shouldn’t be. Basically, we are keeping it safe. There is nothing worse than an unexpected catastrophe because we neglected to wrap it up. While it may be a bit cumbersome and uncomfortable at first, everyone will feel much safer when it is wrapped. There are a variety of ways to go about this. However, a wide range of products exist for properly wrapping it up. Some work better than others. Some are a little more expensive, but you’ll find that when it comes to wrapping it up, you don’t want to skimp and risk an accident. Purchasing a high quality product will ensure that whenever you wrap it up, you are comfortable and safe. There is a lot of peace of mind attached to properly wrapping it up. Do not take this task lightly.

When I wrap it up, I prefer to use the Girasol baby sling. I find that Girasol provides one of the softest and most comfortable woven wraps. It requires very little breaking in. Every wrap is hand woven to promote quality and comfort. In fact, some of my son’s happiest moments are when he is tucked securely against my chest in the Girasol wrap. I know that he is secure there and we are both comfortable. Baby-wearing, however, is not isolated to our comfort. There are countless other benefits to owning a woven wrap for your baby.

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Girasol makes a wrap so comfortable, you may forget the baby is there.

If you are a raging narcissist, baby-wearing might just be right for you. If you enjoy strolling down the street while envious women gaze longingly at you and your handsome child in his woven wrap, then baby-wearing will adequately quench your narcissistic thirst. It is a proven fact that the hotties will swoon and old broads will compliment you and probably have to change their adult diapers. As the male baby-wearer, you attract the full age spectrum of legal females. While they initially gravitate to the child dangling off your chest, they stay for the distinct charm and irresistibility that male baby-wearers instinctively possess. Science has virtually proven that women love good dads and there is nothing like a baby latched to your chest to illustrate your high level of parenting acumen. By virtue of just wearing the baby, you instantly come off looking like father-of-the-year material. No longer will you need to seek validation from your own reflection.

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Step 1: Attract women with your baby-wearing. Step 2: Remind yourself of what sex is capable of producing. Step 3: Flee the scene.

Another benefit to being a baby-wearing male is the lower back strength you’ll unknowingly generate. Wrapping the baby provides a level of comfort that makes the physical burden strapped to your chest virtually weightless. However, when you remove the tiny human from his cocoon, you will notice an amazing difference in how you carry yourself. Your posture and overall upper body strength will improve tremendously. Most importantly, you won’t be wasting precious minutes in the gym struggling over a bowflex that will appreciate neither your good looks nor your ability to expertly care for your child. Fitness equipment is thankless.

When I wrap it up, I like to do a chest wrap. I find that I can still perform a variety of movements and motions with a baby attached to me that I could do without, simply because the wrap provides such a secure hold. While my son and I were out walking yesterday, I saved a cat from oncoming traffic by diving across the street at a high speed and barrel-rolling to safety onto the adjacent sidewalk. I celebrated my good deed and performed a break dance routine for the patrons waiting for the train near my house. Both heroic acts were executed with my son on my chest. He never even woke up.

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I usually reserve my break dance sessions for when I’m grilling franks at home. My wife just hates all my hot-dogging.

Wrapping it up is a critical part of being a good father. While this technology did not exist in the mid-80s, I still consider my own dad a good father. Although he never had the opportunity to publicly break dance or save forlorn animals with me tied to his chest, he still managed to be a good father to me and my sister. It is a little known reality in my family that my father keeps a picture of me tucked safely in his wallet, right next to the condom that I was supposed to be in. Apparently I came into existence because he didn’t wrap it up. Life is ironic.

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