Birthing classes are a typical materialistic and shallow 20th century invention. Childbirth is a phenomenon that has been completed successfully for many thousands of years. It is a task that without which, perpetuation of the human species would dissolve and the planet would flourish as a human-less eco-uptopia. Teaching pregnant women how to breath and move during childbirth is a purely capitalistic enterprise and is in no way necessary for a successful birth.
The advent of birthing classes and their popularity has infiltrated the heads exclusively of the postmodern pregnant woman, making her truly believe that she needs an 8-week series of lectures and classes on how to breath and move during childbirth. It has created a culture of medically co-dependent women who, instead of trusting their natural child birthing instincts, choose to pay a fee to an establishment promising to bestow their expertise upon them over the course of two-months, thus making the physical act of childbirth easier and less painful. These women are being fleeced.
Child birthing classes range in price from $75 to $175 per class. Many insurance carriers do not supplement the cost of childbirth classes. Additionally, the medical establishment has become quite adept at convincing families that an expectant mother needs to be schooled on how to properly and comfortably evacuate the fetus. Dads are buying into this notion, too. Not just financially, but truly believing the “experts” seeking to fund their own child’s education with your foolishness. Save yourself the time and money by foregoing this unnecessary expense.
Moms, I know some of you are enraged as you continue to read this. But stay with me here. According to Scripps La Jolla (where my son was born), 98% of women elect to have an epidural. If you fall into that 98%, your labor will be indistinguishable from the effort put forth when evicting a troublesome dookie. It is a similar muscle group in a similar region. Seriously, why do you think it is that more than half the women delivering a baby vaginally deliver a little poo as well? It is perfectly normal and not something a child birthing class would teach you to contain. Moreover, with little feeling from the waist down, moving techniques are rendered useless.
Granted, the strain of childbirth on the female corpus is intense and gruesome. It will take months and maybe years for a woman’s body to return to its previous state. It might never happen. Such is the reality when pushing a new human through a hole roughly the size of a silver dollar. Birthing classes will not change that. If anything, adequate preparation beforehand and between partners can provide more aid than expensive classes i.e. Perineal Massage. You do have time to prepare your body physically prior to childbirth.
If you occupy the minority 2% who go naturally, then child birthing classes would benefit you much more so. Proper breathing techniques and movements will play a much larger role when the lower half of your body isn’t completely numbed. While I’m sure that an abundance of women who claim that they want to go naturally chicken out when the intense pain of labor contractions hit, those who stick it out naturally may be the select group who’s birthing classes are actually money well spent.
Go ahead now, moms. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me that I’m a guy and I don’t know shit. Tell me that I’ve only had one child from a woman who did have an epidural. The fact remains, I have a perfectly healthy son and a wife who not only completed labor in a suspiciously brief timespan, but has rapidly returned to her physically normal self and I didn’t spend a penny on birthing classes. And that is what this post is all about!