Let’s be honest, from a purely mechanical perspective, childbirth does not uphold a high level of decorum. She will be groaning, grunting and sweating like a tug boat captain off the coast of New Jersey in high summer, all combined with the bleeding, tearing, and high probability of a dookie accompanying the baby…not to mention the acrid aroma of afterbirth wafting through the air moments after the culmination.
Yep, the physical act of childbirth is gruesome.
And you, sir, the man, have no real role other than that of caretaker/consoler/cheerleader as you wait on the sidelines for the end result. You, the man, definitely get the win. You go through no physical pain. If you’re mentally tough, you experience minimal cerebral pain. If you can hold your stomach, you will feel zero nausea or dizziness.
How can you share this burden?
- Take any abuse she throws your way like a man. Remember, if she goes sans epidural, there will potentially be an endless series of curses directed your way. Even if she elects for pain management, the pre-labor will be peppered with colorful language and bloodcurdling noises of anguish. Man up, you pussy!
- Play her favorite song. Don’t ask her, “baby, what is your favorite song so I can play it for you while you suffer?” Don’t do that. You know her, you jackass, so play her favorite song!
- Bring a picture of her family if they cannot be there. Again, don’t broadcast your brilliant idea to increase her level of comfort…just set the picture on a side table inconspicuously…guarantee she will dig it.
- Don’t make light of the fact that she just dropped a deuce on the table while pushing. In fact, don’t even bring it up later. It’s going to happen…but she may or may not want to actualize it.
- Go with the baby. She will be incapacitated. Physically incapacitated for sure but probably mentally spent as well. Go with the baby. If a nurse takes the baby for footprints, go with. Weight/height check? Go. Blood labs? Go. Anywhere the baby goes that your lady cannot, you go in her stead. Don’t ask her, “baby, should I go?” Just go, you idiot…just go.
- When she’s done and safely resting, bring her favorite food. Today everything is deliverable. Call for takeout or have a friend swing by the hospital.
Ultimately, there is no single act you can perform that will alleviate the hours of anguish that she will endure during childbirth. Nor is there any way you can realistically simulate what she will be going through. But at least you’re in it together and not just rooting from the bench.