Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best

The Mythical Creatures of Childhood, pt. 4: Chuck Norris


Some punk teenager just told me a Chuck Norris joke. This ends now.

If you are reading this and were born after 1992, please close the window now. Actually, who am I kidding? Kids don’t read anymore.

Kid’s lives these days are empty of so many pleasures that children of my generation experienced. Today’s youth are glued to their smartphones and locked into the communicative superhighway of modern technology in place of any real human interaction. Instead of searching the neighborhood for a cluster of bicycles to locate the whereabouts of their friends, they can simply login to Snapchat or What’s App or Facebook and immediately locate their posse, then proceed to communicate without ever having to leave the confines of their own room or turn off the One Direction.

Chuck Norris

Look for the bikes. This is how kids used to find their friends before technology.

To the modern youngster, Chuck Norris is no different than the Easter Bunny or Santa. They hear about him. They suspect that he may actually exist. But they do not really know for sure. In part, this is because Chuck Norris is now 74 years old and while he still looks like he is in his mid-40s, he’s far too old for anyone born after 1992 to appreciate. However, due to the fantastic jokes that have circulated through the years about Chuck Norris, kids think that they have the liberty to tell Chuck Norris jokes. They don’t.

We’ve all heard these ridiculous jokes a thousand times over. Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience. Jesus walks on water, Chuck Norris swims on land. Chuck Norris doesn’t write code, he stares at the computer screen until he gets the program he wants. Hilarious yes, however not useable social material for anyone under the age of 23. Even 23 is pushing it a little.

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

As Chuck Norris recedes into the twilight of his life, he has become a mythical figure for virtually anyone born in the mid to late 90s and beyond. For those of us old enough to remember, Chuck Norris was merely a man, albeit a superhuman badass of a man in skinny jeans that no human male should ever be caught wearing. Adults who remember Chuck Norris will always appreciate him for his Bruce-Lee-esque martial arts abilities and ridiculous similarities to a modern day John Wayne. These people can freely tell Chuck Norris jokes.

So consider this the unofficial Chuck Norris obituary. Is he still alive? Yes. However for all practical purposes, the Chuck Norris of our lives is gone forever and has been replaced by a pantheon of hilarious colloquialisms that only us old folks truly appreciate. Run along now, children. Miley Cyrus is whoring it up on a stage near you.

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