Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best

Color Me(,) Human

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Attention everyone. There is a new, hot trend for the modern adult. Something simple that we can all embrace and together bask is a collective awesomeness. It’s not something that requires substantial income like a hot new fashion trend or substantial time commitments like a trendy new home décor style that needs time and planning. It’s a quick and inexpensive trend that we can all take part in within the confines of our own homes. Adult coloring. Adult coloring books are hot right now. So hot. So hot in fact that there’s a worldwide shortage of colored pencils. So get up and get coloring. Be you. Be expressive. Be super cool. Be like an 8-year-old.

adult coloring

Stop coloring. You’re 40.

Adult coloring has taken modern society by storm. Adults claim that resurrecting this childhood hobby is both relaxing and therapeutic. Get out from under that spousal-related stress by doodling little dragonflies in the pattern of a woven gingham bed skirt. Blow off that work-related frustration by tracing colorful lines around predetermined shapes, much like you did in kindergarten. After all, there is no one more docile and relaxed than a small child. Proof positive that coloring simply must be the answer to relieve that high-strung mentality you’ve come to embrace in adulthood.

You can purchase adult coloring books and the needed supplies at any arts and crafts store, big box retailer, or even from a variety of online shopping sites. There are countless resources for you as a fully mature human to frivolously spend money on this delightful, childhood hobby. By enabling this continuing trend, adults have seemingly made the hobby of coloring a metaphor for the inherent wastefulness of human life in general. The legendary medical researcher and virologist Jonas Salk once famously said that “if all insects on Earth disappeared, within 50 years all life on Earth would end. If all human beings disappeared from Earth, within 50 years, all forms of life would flourish.” Certainly Salk would not be at all surprised that the wasteful and destructive human was continuing his wasteful and destructive existence by coloring pastel florals and vibrant tropical hues in the comfort of his own living room for literally no reason at all. The decline of modern society and the phenomenon of adult coloring is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Humanity is doomed.

adult coloring

It’s a little known fact that mathematical prodigy and domestic terrorist Ted Kaczynski enjoyed him a good color.

Eventually every trend goes just a little too far and gets labeled as damaging. This has happened in a recurring fashion with seemingly normal and enjoyable hobbies like unbridled opiate abuse, abundant alcoholism, and intense sexual perversion. This will eventually happen with adult coloring as well. At some point, some lunatic will take coloring just a little too far and accidently massacre an entire congregation. When this happens, it will certainly ruin coloring as a viable hobby for all the other normal adults who legitimately color for fun and release. Embrace this trend while it’s popular and not considered socially deviant because eventually everyone who colors will be considered a de facto murderer. Moreover, consider leveling up this hobby immediately by bringing some coloring books into your lavish opium den to share with your harem. Aim high.

adult coloring

If your opium den doesn’t double as a coloring harem then you really need to reevaluate your life choices.

Like any trend, adult coloring will find its niche and eventually fade away from the mainstream. As we grow older, surely we’ll look back on this time and chuckle with glee. For it’s a unique time in our history. The population has never been more dense. The atmosphere never more polluted. The wealth/poverty gap has never been wider, we have an orange-skinned capitalist billionaire representing the Republican Party, and grown ass adults are spending time engaged in children’s activities for relaxation. What a time to be alive.

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