Baby Junk, pt. 1 - The Crib - Dad for Beginners Baby Junk, pt. 1 - The Crib - Dad for Beginners

Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best


Baby Junk, pt. 1 – The Crib

| 1 Comment

As I’ve mentioned many times on this website, there are a lot of things that babies simply do not need. Moreover, there are droves of overzealous parents who seek to buy all the books, all the accessories, and outfit their youngling with all the colorful crap that they’ve been conditioned to believe is required for raising a child. Perhaps the most obvious piece of furniture in a new baby’s life is the crib. But does a baby really need this tiny cell for sleeping?

As you may or may not know, this website champions the idea of bed-sharing. That is, parents and baby sharing the same bed. Now, while many parents and so-called experts will not embrace this idea, they cannot articulate a suitable alternative. Most new parents buy a crib for their baby. The ultimate purpose of the crib is for a baby to be able to sleep without rolling out and plummeting to the floor. It makes sense in theory.


A luxury crib is a quick and effective way to drop a few paychecks without blinking an eye.

However, newborn babies are simply incapable of rolling with the vigor that is required to propel them out of a bed. More importantly, a newborn wakes up every two-three hours to feed anyway so there is really no time when they are unsupervised. Newborn babies are often inconsolable and angry, meaning they need to be held or consoled or left in a dark corner of a soundproof isolation chamber. All scenarios where they are in no danger of falling out of a bed.

Once a baby reaches the age when he or she is able to move about and roll effortlessly, the crib seems like a more appropriate way to cage your child. However, as babies reach five and six months of age, they become more curious. They attempt to stand. They slowly change from a feeble mass of fleshy tissue into a feeble mass of fleshy tissue with the fortitude and determination of Evel Knieval. The crib thus proves to be a useful mechanism for caging your child for a mere 2-3 months.


Evel Knievel was a professional idiot for money. Infants do it for free.

Once a baby figures out that he or she can stand up and see over the top of the bars, that’s it. There is no turning back at that point. Crafty parents think that by lowering the mattress, you can preserve the lifespan of the crib, however all you’re really doing is teaching your infant to climb. There is no happy reality for a cribbed baby. Much like zoo animals and felons, they will continually try to escape.

Cribs range anywhere from $65-$80 all the way up to the uber-luxurious, polished mahogany, full-size, pillow-top mattress, cribs of the super elite. No matter what space you occupy on the socioeconomic ladder, a crib will always be useless.

One Comment

  1. Pingback: Baby Junk, pt. 2 - Diaper Bag | Dad for Beginners

Leave a Reply

Required fields are marked *.

%d bloggers like this: