It’s kind of scary, huh? You’re going to be a dad. You will be, at least partially, responsible for the life of a tiny, helpless baby. What a prospect! But fear not, new father, for contained within this one simple article are literally all the tips you’ll need for survival, as well as the survival of your new human.
- Freak out as much as possible – One of the most important aspects of parenting is the overwhelming stress and increased anxiety. To ensure that you and your family maintain a heightened state of awareness at all times, be sure to freak out as much as possible over literally everything. A baby will get themselves into all kinds of improbable situations and the most constructive way to produce a reasonable solution is to totally lose control and fly off the handle at every waking opportunity. By channeling all your pent up stress and exhaustion and releasing it through routine panic attacks, you can become the benchmark of apprehension and a headache for everyone around you. Over time, those close to you will adapt to your continued outbursts and eventually minor accidents and temporary troublemaking that your child may get into will seem relatively pointless and trivial. The primary goal of your loved ones will be to do whatever is necessary in order to keep your familial rage and excessive worrying at ease. By making yourself the most annoying being in your household, those surrounding you will develop more tolerance for the irritating baby and thus making his or her life easier. Be the beacon of altruism in your home by embracing every opportunity to be as spastic as possible.
- Dress like a hobo – This tip serves two important purposes for a new dad, especially a married dad. By ensuring that your daily appearance is one of dishevelment, you’ll have no qualms about the sheer volume of bodily fluids that you’ll ultimately come into contact with every day. The average baby produces a garden variety of bodily fluids from a number of different orifices with precise regularity and by dressing like a vagrant, you’ll basically guarantee that none of your more pricey or prized clothing items are damaged. This tip has an added benefit for the married man. Since babies are virtual chick magnets in public, keeping your appearance uncouth and oafish will fend off those single hotties looking to pick-up a stud-stallion dad just like yourself. If you can add in a layer of fresh body odor or some type of oily skin grease, then consider yourself a proverbial impenetrable force to the female predator. Your baby will always attract women…but by maintaining a truly disgusting and loathsome physical appearance, you can focus your efforts on your child instead of the swarm of ridiculously attractive, single women looking to defile your innocence.
- Embrace filth – For many already sloppy and slovenly men, this tip might not be that radical of a departure from your normal lifestyle as a boorish dirtbag. However, it is a critical part of the parenting process that you accept and eventually embrace the complete and utter filth that you will be living amongst. From the moment a newborn enters your house, the tidiness and cleanliness of your living quarters vanishes. The probability that you will regain the ability to keep a fresh and hygienic household only declines further as they age. An infant is the epitome of filth and as your homestead becomes more and more soiled as each day passes, you will be forced to either accept the unkempt environment as the status quo or risk the rapid downward spiral into anal retentive psychosis until eventually you meet the sweet release of death.
- Intentionally argue with your significant other – This tip is yet another way for the caring and loving father to grasp the proverbial reins of familial altruism and strengthen the bond of the nuclear family. By annoying your wife or girlfriend through subtle but intentional quarrels, you’ll step in and again become the most annoying life form in the household. Infants by definition are useless and extremely needy and often times it takes all the willpower a new mother can muster to prevent her from throwing the baby off the third floor balcony. By standing firm as the pinnacle of domestic disagreement, the moments of agony that a newborn exacts on the mother will seem welcome by comparison. Another benefit to consistently taking an opposing stance to your baby mama is the atmosphere of caring it generates, as both parents will see in each other the amplified level of commitment each has to their parental values. The super-secret luxury benefit to the argumentative husband tactic is that by creating a spousal dispute, we as men can employ our ability to do what we do best to women – apologize. As you plot your journey through the terrain of disagreement, remember that the end game for you, the man, is to eventually cave in to the wife, become a complete shell of a man, and elevate your apology game to new heights. This tip is an indisputable trifecta for the father that in no way can backfire ever.
- Unload your stress on the innocent – The final tip that will forever secure your status as an excellent father is to unload your stress and anxiety on anyone in the outside world. By doing so, you achieve several goals that are crucial to your sanity. Firstly, you’ll purge yourself of the overwhelming envelopment of taking care of a baby. That alone should be enough to validate this final tip. However, in addition to gaining a small window of temporary relaxation, your unbridled rage and intense hostility towards random and completely innocent people will eventually serve to keep them away from you no matter what your demeanor. By rampaging through the office for seemingly no particular reason, you are giving your coworkers less incentive to ask you questions or even speak to you at all. When you finally actualize your metamorphosis into the sociopathic cancer of the workplace, you’ll find that you can more readily embrace peace and tranquility and use your hours laboring at work for a more therapeutic purpose. When you return home, you’ll have exorcised all your stress and will be ready to dive right back into the anarchy of fathering.
Now go forth, dads. Go forth and employ these tactics in your life. You’ll instantly become a better parent but more importantly, you’ll feel better about yourself and the development of your child. Your significant other may not always appreciate or understand the nature of your behaviors, but as the father it is often our job to shoulder the burden in silence whilst maintaining focus on what is important. It is said that true genius is often misunderstood in its own time and these tips will surely manifest that prophecy. You already have an advantage as a father, now get out there and get your fatherhood game on.