The holiday season is officially upon us. Nowhere is that more apparent than in your local grocery stores, where assuredly the typical Christmas-themed garbage has already been on display for several weeks. We do this every year and predictably so, there are two kinds of people who emerge this time of year: those who love it, and those who hate it. There are few things to look forward to during the holidays. It is generally a frigid time of year filled with all sorts of frivolous gift giving and familial togetherness…yuck. However, there is one thing that we can all be thankful for: egg nog.
Egg nog is a seasonal delight that can only be enjoyed during the Christmas season. It isn’t abundantly clear why egg nog cannot be made available year round. After all, it is merely whipped eggs and cream. There is a myth swirling around the egg nog-enthusiast community that the cows that produce the mysterious milk-like-substance take a full 10 months to mature, and thus egg nog is only available for a limited timeframe from mid-November to Christmas day. Guzzle as much as you can now, because once December 26th rolls around, it will be a scarcity yet again.
Egg nog is a wonderful beverage for many reasons. For those people who foolishly choose to reside in colder climates, egg nog is a quick and effective way to pack on 10-15 pounds without any effort. By consuming copious amount of egg nog daily, you can bulk up that spare tire around your waistline into a full-fledged and serviceable lining of warm, fatty insulation. In the absence of egg nog after Christmas, go ahead and substitute by drinking a pitcher of pancake batter each morning.
Another highly sought after feature of egg nog is its appeal to the functional alcoholic. Egg nog mixes suspiciously well with cognac. If you seek to heighten your festive spirit this holiday season, add some hard liquor to your daily egg nog servings. Egg nog is thick and rich and can easily conceal the scent of alcohol. Moreover, it pairs well with a myriad of delicious cordials. Because egg nog is delicious any time of day, you can clandestinely walk around drunk all day and no one will be the wiser. Add some egg nog to your morning coffee as a cream substitute and don’t forget the cognac because after all, nothing says “happy holidays” like catching a buzz at 8am.
Unfortunately, the availability of egg nog after Christmas day is scarce. The manufacturers of this exquisite holiday treat diligently remove it from production seemingly immediately after December 25th. It is unfortunate simply because it is so delectable, however it is of extreme concern to the chubby and inebriated holiday aficionado. It is of much dismay to the egg nog junkies that nothing truly takes the place of authentic egg nog. Although we endeavor to remain tipsy and plump into the new year, without the creamy caress of the tempting egg nog, we are forced to make health-conscious resolutions that we will adhere too for exactly one week. We struggle all year to replace the void in our soul that egg nog has left, and much like timeless lovers, only through absent love does love’s tide stronger flow. Enjoy your egg nog now, drunk chunkies, the end is always in sight.