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The Mythical Creatures of Childhood, pt. 2: Elf on the Shelf

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Children are very trusting. Why wouldn’t they be? After all, they are completely dependent upon their parents and given that the parents believe in feeding, clothing, and taking care of the child, there is no reason why the child would not be trusting. The myth of Santa Claus is something that many children generally believe in blindly until a certain age. While many of the characteristics of this fictional being are evidently phony, most children are accepting of the idea that a bearded fat man brings them rewards for behaving. However, there are a series of smaller fictions that go into upholding the Santa lie, as kids eventually do question the sensational nature of such an outlandish concept. Crafty parents have thus devised a new creature in their never ending quest to perpetuate dishonesty in their family.

Part 2: The Elf on the Shelf reports the behavior of children to Santa Claus.

The Elf on the Shelf is just another card in the proverbial house that holds up a rickety corner of the Santa Claus lie. The rich tradition of Elf on the Shelf dates all the way back to 2005, when so many other long held traditions of yore were still in practice; things like syncing your Bluetooth across Motorola Razors and renting videos at Blockbuster. In an effort to keep the wool pulled over the eyes of some of the more intelligent children, adults invented yet another mythical creature in the pantheon of existing false beings to keep children from questioning the obviously fabricated existence of the ultimate mythical being of childhood, Santa Claus.

Basically it works like this: the elf monitors children’s behavior. It moves daily to a new spot in order to better oversee the activities of the children. ‘Tis a sneaky elf indeed. As with any good fiction, there are rules that go along with the elf. Do not touch the elf. Touching the elf erases his Christmas magic and could land you a spot on your local sex offender registry. The elf travels back to the North Pole nightly and returns the following day to a different location in the same residence to resume his watch over the children of the house. As of yet, there is no explanation for how the elf moves about. Give it a few years and I’m sure the elf will be outfit with various vehicles and permits for things like a dune buggy, go kart, parasail, deep sea diving bell, and hang glider. He’ll obtain a pilot’s license and probably access to some sort of fourth dimension wormhole. There is no stopping quantum physics or the elaborate creativity of American parents when it comes to hiding the truth.

Elf on the Shelf

Elfs of the future will use spacetime shortcuts to optimize their travel time. At long last, Schwarzschild solutions will be useful household devices for parents.

The elf does not talk or move when anyone in the house is awake. The elf watches and listens. The elf is the epitome of creepy. This is where parents who realize the foolish error they’ve made in introducing the elf into their household have an escape route. Imagine the reaction of a child to wake up and find the elf lying naked with an empty bottle of wine and Grandma’s pain meds strewn about the floor. There is no better way to teach your kids about the perils of drug use than with a sacrificial elf.

Elf on the Shelf

Use the elf as a learning opportunity. Ménage à trois has never been more family oriented.

Scandal and corruption are prominent in our society because we allow it to be. These deceitful people are not aberrations. They don’t pass through a membrane from some netherworld of debauchery. They were American children born in American households and educated by parents living in this warped system of falsehoods. We are remarkably well versed at instilling deceit in our children at an early age, then continuing to cover up the glaring falsities of our story with newly conjured scapegoats. Hence, Elf on the Shelf. Children, as useless as they are, are surprisingly intelligent. Even a shelf elf cannot punish that.

One Comment

  1. Pingback: The Mythical Creatures of Childhood, pt 3: Easter Bunny

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