Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best

Follicles of Fortitude


Hair is an interesting feature of a newborn baby. While it is a well-known fact that the vast majority of newborns resemble Winston Churchill, there are some babies that are born with a stunning mane of naturally feathered hair. Of course, watching a live birth is tantamount to watching the carnage of a twenty car pile-up on the interstate. Eventually everything will be ok, but for awhile it is complete chaos. When the baby finally makes their triumphant escape from the vaginal canal, whatever hair is present at the time is matted against their cranium in all sort of positions much like a wet dog before it does that weird shaking thing that wet dogs do to dry off. After the moisture of womb fluids is cleaned and the baby is dry, the hairless babies continue to look like Churchill while the others regale us all with their stunning head of illustrious hair. The really magnificent ones are usually born with a comb and monocle.


Best known for looking like every baby ever, Winston Churchill did do a few other things but none as prominent.

But newborn hair is deceiving. A very high percentage of babies will lose their birth hair, regress into a more Churchill like appearance, then eventually regrow the hair. Extended periods of baldness well into the initial months is common, however it is natural to question the fortitude of your child’s hair follicles. While it is most certainly too soon to consider hair growth supplements, the continued development of the facial structure will provide a nice glimpse of what your baby will look like when he’s eighty.

The longer a baby remains bald, the better it could be for their future. My sister told me that research suggests that babies who remain hairless well into their young lives are more likely to be famous. While I have no idea where she obtained this arbitrary fact, she is a recent recipient of some sort of science degree from a major American institution. Who am I to question science or the efficacy of American education? Of course, that very same research would imply that a bald baby also has a higher probability of narcissism, drug use, depression, and twerking in adulthood. Being famous is a toss-up. As of this day, I’ve not found any suppliers of baby toupees for the purpose of preventing bald infant notoriety. Patent pending on the Hair Club for Fame-Fearing Infants.


It’s never difficult to spot a combover. Clinging to the ruins of a deceased society of hair is never the right call.

Another concern in babies with extensive amounts of hair upon birth is the presence of prenatal lice. This is why it is always wise to prevent your pregnant spouse from sitting on someone else’s hat during pregnancy. However, much like baby teeth, it becomes trivial since they will likely lose that hair anyway. Most modern ultrasounds are not equipped with prenatal lice detection technologies. It is always wise for an expecting father to bring a jar of peanut butter and several tubes of toothpaste to the hospital when your wife is going into labor. Even if the baby is born free from infestation, most women are quite famished after childbirth since one of the rules of the epidural is that you cannot eat solid food. It’s a win-win and the true definition of preparedness. Your new family will appreciate the steps you took to avoid infant scalp vermin and malnourishment.


To prevent prenatal head lice, perineal massage with lice repelling RID should do the trick.

No matter how your baby is born, rest assured that they will, at some point, begin to grow hair. There have been no documented cases of newborns remaining bald for the entirety of their life. Unless your child is the unlikely recipient of progeria or some other undiscovered genetic dysfunction, there should be much more pressing issues for you as the parent. I’ve managed to keep my child alive and happy for 7 months which is a feat I could barely accomplish with a duo of goldfish I won at a carnival some years ago and to be perfectly honest, even they never seemed truly happy. Although my son is still mostly bald, he does have some nice buds of what will one day be an epic head of hair. And according to science, he’ll probably be famous.

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