Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best

Halloween is for Kids


Halloween is just around the corner and I cannot recall a day I look forward to less. Every year at this time, children don frightening and clever costumes and walk around neighborhoods begging strangers for empty calories. The luckiest children, the ones who live in cold climates, will have the pleasure of their moms enforcing that they wear their winter parka over their costumes. There is nothing scarier that a suburban white kid who looks like he may or may not be some sort of dinosaur beneath his gortex insulated windbreaker. Modern Halloween, however, has become yet another holiday that adults have co-opted from the youth and transformed into a day of holiday debauchery. Of particular distress to a once fun-filled holiday is the direction that modern females have taken it.

The rise of the slutty Halloween costume is a relatively recent phenomenon in the paradigm of modern Halloween foolishness. For many women of varying ages, it has become popular within the last 10 or so years to combine virtually any form of animal ears with lingerie and call it a costume. Look around you this Halloween. What do you see? Odds are you’ll see a few zombies, a handful of witches, and copious amounts of slutty bunnies, cats, mice, and devils. In fact, the modern female has been able to adapt virtually any costume into sleaze. Instead of targeting the scary or comedic costumes, the gross majority of women nowadays will go as a slutty nurse, a slutty princess, a slutty twix bar, a slutty storm trooper, or a slutty crash-test dummy. In a recent poll of Halloween ho-bags, the overwhelming majority supported changing the name to Hallow’peen. Women have single-handedly destroyed an already marginal holiday and turned it into yet another reason to be narcissistic.


Explain to me how this is a costume, and I’ll explain to you how it’s not.

You’d think that as a man, I’d champion this type of mutation in the evolution of the female Halloween costume, but I don’t. Granted, I find the scantily clad female form as alluring as the next dirtbag, however when I was a lad, Halloween was about being scary and being creative. Women have demeaned Halloween to the least common denominator in an unconscious attempt to further cheapen an already cheap holiday.

Women will justify their classless costumes based on the attention they get from men. Halloween has become a day where women can wear virtually anything and pass it off as a costume. Real Halloween excellence lies with the woman who can successfully pull off a sexy Stephen A. Douglas ensemble. C’mon girl, let’s go trick-or-treating and debate the tenets of popular sovereignty. After all, nothing is sexier than a brain and Civil War politics.


There is nothing scarier, sexier, or smarter than Senator Stephen A. Douglas. Expand your intellectual territory and tell me where you stand on Dred Scott.

This Halloween, I’m going to give all you single men out there a tip. Go as something that all these Halloween whores will find attractive to their lifestyles. Like an 80-year-old dude with a terminal illness, a bag of money and a living will. Step your game up, Halloween skanks. I’m on to you.

You can rise above this sexualized vanity by remembering that Halloween is a day for kids to dress up as their favorite characters or scary things and solicit unhealthy delights from total strangers. If rising above things isn’t your forte, then you can be like me and simply turn off the lights, close the door, and sleep soundly knowing that you’re neither part of the problem nor part of the solution. When in doubt, indifference is always a smart alternative.

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