Dad for Beginners

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Intimacy and Parenting: A Lover’s Guide to Sex and Family


It’s a very well-known fact that having a child changes your life forever. Raising a small human requires an adult to totally reprioritize responsibilities. There are countless hours spent cooking, cleaning, and preparing all in the interest of keeping the little creature alive. Most adults guess their way through this process. Despite all the books and websites claiming to be experts on the subject, no one is qualified to tell you exactly how to reorganize your life and your priorities simply because no two people share the same responsibilities and character traits. Sacrifice must be made in order to raise a child. One arena where sacrifice is most evident is in the sex life of the parents. Sex is simply not a priority when compared to other factors like feeding and clothing the baby while straddling the poverty line and maintaining full-time jobs just to survive. There are, however, a variety of ways that the busy full-time employee/full-time parent can reap all the benefits of raising a healthy and happy child while still enjoying an abundance of unbridled, monogamous debauchery. This article will take you on a journey towards hedonistic bliss by describing several simple and unique ways to recreate that intense intimacy you experienced as a childless couple.

Sex type 1: Romantic

As a child rearing adult couple, romance has vanished entirely from your life and romantic sex is just a figment of your imagination. However, romantic pleasure can be recreated in a “Pinterest-project” like fashion with a few key ingredients like incense, candles, and a basket of pinecones. Prepare a warm greeting for your lover by lighting some scented wax and adorning the dinner table with a lovely seasonal centerpiece. Use these comfortable aromas and romantic motifs to draw her in for a night of that steamy auld lang syne lovin’. Of course, you’ll be fast asleep by the time she gets home but the effort was there and the pinecones smell amazing.

Sex type 2: Lustful

Ever gaze across the proverbial toy box that is your living room and catch your dime piece baby momma bending down to pick up some plastic race cars at just the right angle? That angle where the sun beam peeking through your faded white economy fauxwood shutters glances off her voluptuous backside at just the right divergence? You do. Lust rushes over you at that moment. You must have her. Ravish her. But alas, for the tiny human is but an earshot away and will surely appear at any moment. How do you recreate that impromptu, lustful coitus that you enjoyed regularly just a few short years ago? You don’t. Move on with your life and stop wearing sweatpants if you can’t control your urges.

Sex type 3: Filthy

At any given moment the average mature adult is just a slight tweak away from reverting back to a vile and immature dirt bag. It’s intrinsic in all of us. As a young, childless couple, embracing these instances is easy. When there is no burden of caring for child, one can freely move back and forth between responsible member of society and sexually perverse miscreant. Sharing a moment of pure, unbridled filth with your lover is a gift worth cherishing, as it’s one of the first things you must abandon as a parent. You can, however, recreate the atmosphere consistent with filthy deviant sex even after having a kid by remembering a few key points. Most importantly, remember that showering everyday might be socially encouraged but is in no way a requirement. Go ahead and wear those same sweatpants 3 or 4 or even 9 days straight. Go ahead. Embrace that filth. Use your disgusting body odor as the pheromone it is and return to your most animalistic to remind your lover of how vile and filthy you once were together. While there will certainly be no actual physical penetration, you can use your uncouth physical form and detestable odor as a reminder of those raw acts of obscene and offensive passion you once shared. Elevate your mind to fully embrace tangible filth and achieve a shared pleasure far greater than any sleazy intercourse could ever provide. After all, the brain is the largest erogenous zone.

Sex type 4: Angry

There’s nothing like a good fight between partners. Conflict can be healthy and although you may harbor some periodic resentment, ultimately the greater good typically shines through. The added benefit for those in a monogamous relationship is the sex that occasionally follows a good argument. Marriage is essentially constructed on the principles of healthy rage and rage love, rage sex, and rage snuggling are cornerstone of this institution. In a family environment, however, the rage persists but the required sexual resolution is often not realized. Pacify yourself in these situations by knowing that the rage will continue long after your child is grown and moved out. In the meantime, find other outlets for your rage. Coworkers and subordinate employees can fill this role nicely. If you find yourself lacking outlets for your anger, take up some hobbies that inherently embody the principles of healthy rage like golf, archery, or functional alcoholism. The fornication will eventually return to your temporary bouts of rage, but angry patience is important at this time.

Sex type 5: Monastic

The easiest way to survive sexual frustration as a married couple with a toddler is celibacy. Sexual abstinence is a noble and pious undertaking and can help connect you mentally and emotionally to other organic life forms that live without sex like trees, ferns, and soil. Become one with the Earth by adopting a sexual lifestyle similar to most house plants and asexual insects. Spend the bulk of your day focusing on your career, maintaining your home, and caring for your child by adopting the sexual tendencies of an aphid. Over time you’ll grow to embrace the monastic lifestyle as you fully transform into a vestal virgin of the hearth. Literally every form of life you encounter will be better off because of your ability to suppress your urges and embrace the observance of celibacy.

Raising a child is a trying time for a working couple and there are countless obstacles that must be reconciled in order to be successful. Don’t let your sexual relationship dictate your strength as a couple. Empower your family and move forward together by using these simple guidelines for maintaining various degrees of sexual intimacy.

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