Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best

This Liebster Ends With Me


The internet is a weird place. In the 9 months since I’ve started this website, I’ve seen my number of page views grow from 1-2 per day to an astonishing 3-5 per day. I’ve gained droves of loyal fans, namely my mom, my wife, and…well, that’s about all. I’ve become rich beyond my wildest dreams, accruing a sum total of negative -$200 in hosting fees and zero profit…so more like intrinsically rich.


I like pink logos with hearts in them. I’m a fancy boy.

Maura over at tossed this maroon circle my way with a list of questions that I’m bound by internet protocol to answer. It’s called a Liebster. I’d never heard of it. Apparently it’s a thing that people in the internet world give those that they admire most. I’ve learned that much. I’ve also learned that autocorrect changes Liebster to “lobster” which sounds more like my style. So anyway, Maura hooked me up with the Liebster and I’ll supply the drawn butter. AAAANNNNNDDDDDD….proceed.

11 facts about me that you don’t know nor will you care about:

1. I once killed a marmot with a golf ball.

2. On the first day I had a driver license, I ran over a squirrel.

3. I’ve never been hunting.

4. My greatest strength is the ability to turn oxygen into carbon dioxide.

5. I’ve never seen a black man vomit.

6. My favorite mythical animal is the griffin.

7. It took me four tries to pass college algebra.

8. I’m afraid of whales.

9. I often wonder why centaurs always have six pack abs and how they do ab workouts.

10. I don’t like crowds or kids or anything that combines the two.

11. I’m a patient man. Beware the fury of the patient man.

11 questions from playpen-ipg:

1.)    MTV or VH1?  Like, 20 years ago, of course. VH1

2.)    Would you rather have sausage for fingers or grass for hair? I’d rather have sausage hair because hair grows and therefore I’d have an endless supply of delicious sausage available at all times.

3.)    Do you know what that question is from or did you have to Google it? Google and I’m still confused.

4.)    Do you really like your in laws? Hell yes. They grow, harvest, and press their own grapes for wine. They make homemade vodka. They are not bound by the tyranny of an imperialist empire. They love my son maybe more than I do. They are genuine people and that’s a rare quality these days.

5.)    What is your favorite chick-flick? “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” because damn that Matthew McConhugay…Mckokanee…MacConusgy…Mcconaughey. Yea that guy has a serious bod…umm…I mean Kate Hudson’s hot…disregard this question. Next.

6.)    Why do you blog? I observe lots of nonsense that needs articulating. So I articulate it. The world of parenting blogs is a disgusting and shallow landscape. I try to be different. I really want nothing to do with the “dad blog” scene. The very term itself makes me want to shove bamboo shoots up my own fingernails.

7.)     If you owned a strip club, what would you call it? The Wet Blanket. There would be a separate “champagne room” just for people who want to take a nap.

8.)    Stretch your right arm out as far as you can, right now.  What are you touching? A green porcelain elephant.

9.)    If you had to pick, would your child be the bully, or the bullied? Bullied. I see this two ways. As a bullied child, your very survival is predicated on your mental toughness, self-esteem, and ability to defend yourself. You, in turn, learn a valuable lesson about how you should be treating others. The adult world is a horrifying place. Whilst you never want to remove the veil of an innocent childhood too early, the reality is that being a grown-up sucks and life is hard. A bullied child will be better prepared and less entitled.

10.) Are you totally annoyed I nominated you for this? Yes.

11.) Are you going to unfriend me now? Strike 1. Watch yourself.

And now, who to nominate so that this lobster can get paid forward without someone hating me forever for putting them through this crap? I nominate no one…because this is stupid. Peace.

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