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What They Never Told You About Being a New Father


What they never told you about being a new father, is that it begins the moment that positive test comes back. From that moment, your life as an independent, childless alpha male is laid to rest and you become a submissive lapdog responsible for creating and maintaining the environment in which your child will enter. This can be an emotional experience. It is certainly an expensive experience. Most importantly, it is a permanent experience.

Here is what I’ve learned through 8 months of pregnancy.

1. It is not about YOU anymore. From the moment you learn she is pregnant, you become #2. You’re an adult, fend for yourself!

2. When you hear the sound of her vomiting, get up and go act like you give a damn…even if it’s midnight and you’re asleep.

3. When she says that she wants cinnamon rolls, goddamn it she wants them NOW! Figure it out, dude.

4. You might get sex, you might not. Either way, a new father pushing for it when it isn’t being offered will only result in further solidifying your spot at #2.

5. If she screams at you and says she hates you, she only sort of means it.

6. The things we do to cope, like working a lot and drinking don’t fly anymore. They just don’t.

I’d like to close by saying that it’s been a long, hard road through nearly 9 months of pregnancy. That I’ve persevered and come out unscathed. But the truth is…it hasn’t even begun…

Here are some other things that guys should know about pregnancy and new parenthood.


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