Dad for Beginners

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The Next Great Baby

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The helplessness of a baby is something to marvel at. It is a truly baffling phenomenon. How can something that will eventually reign atop the food chain be so stunningly helpless in infancy? It doesn’t make sense. Previously, we’ve discussed the remarkable helplessness of human babies. In fact, no other creature in this world, past or present, is born lacking utility in the way that humans are.

Like so many scientific concepts, the analysis of a helpless baby is subject to pending research and paradigm shifts. Why do humans give birth to helpless offspring? This question cannot be answered beyond a reasonable doubt. Unfortunately, human helplessness in infancy has provided a window for other voodoo outside of the psychological and scientific world. The creationists. These people will argue that the helplessness of human babies disproves Darwinism. If you click the link you will see the phrase “Logical Creationism,” which in and of itself makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Charles Darwin was once a baby. It’s weird to consider great thinkers or historical leaders being babies. William Shakespeare was a baby. And Shakespeare was in an English class, sometime, somewhere. Joseph Stalin was a baby. Stephen Hawking was a baby. Homer was a baby. They were all babies at some point. All were of the same helplessness that all human babies are. All had parents. Imagine that.

Baby Hitler wasn’t born a hate monger. But those booties and frilly collar probably didn’t help his development.

The only things that are consistently more annoying than a baby are the parents who wholeheartedly believe that the fruit of their loins is destined for infamy. According to random parents, their baby is always the vanguard by which all other babies must be judged. The pinnacle of baby existence. The benchmark which other babies can only aspire to become. Yet virtually none of them will go forth and regale the human species with the eloquence of their words. Few to none will develop into the next awe-inspiring and charismatic leader of our lifetime. Not a single one will dramatically unveil the mysteries of the universe with ease and grace. Exactly zero of them will be the second coming of Christ, Allah incarnate, Yahweh, or unearth the remains of the great Jimmy Hoffa. In fact, most will be extremely mediocre and labor endlessly at dead-end jobs until they die.

Surely the Dalai Lama’s parents couldn’t predict that he’d be worldly, inspiring, or long off the tee. Or that his title would make him sound like some sort of device for transporting llamas.

But you never know who is who when you’re looking at a group of babies. Unfortunately, you don’t have much more of a window into potential greatness when viewing the parents, either. There is no template that can be applied to instill greatness in a baby. More importantly, greatness in life does not necessarily equate to happiness in life. People incorrectly assume that famous and wealthy people are always happy or that influential leaders and public figures lead fulfilling personal lives as a result of their stratified social stature.

Historians have confirmed that Margaret Thatcher (left) was not glossed “Iron Lady” due to her staunch and unrelenting anti-Communist policies in the male-dominated Cold War era, but because she enjoyed banging cast iron skillets together as a young girl.

The point is, one will never know when looking at an infant what that baby may or may not become, regardless of how intolerable or involved their parents may be. All humans are born of the same helplessness. Just think about that.

2 Comments

  1. I enjoyed this article. Very well written and informative.
    Thank you.

  2. Agreed. Parents are the pen ultimate annoyance when it comes to the evolution of their ‘special little snowflake’. I’m only comfortable saying this though because I know my oldest is destined to become the widow of a controversial Filipino politician with an impressive shoe collection.

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