Dad for Beginners - Page 2 of 13 - Amateurism at its best Dad for Beginners - Page 2 of 13 - Amateurism at its best

Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best

food

February 12, 2017
by Creed
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The Food Culture of a Child

While certainly sleep, clothing, and shelter are important components of raising a child, one of the more difficult things to adapt to as a new parent is food. Babies and young children, despite their relatively small stature and weight, eat surprisingly high volumes of food, probably due to the fact that they are constantly evacuating their bowels and always need to replenish. Understanding how to make meal time and food in general a multi-daily experience for a baby takes practice, as surely most adults are not intimately familiar with what or how babies eat prior to having one.

The initial few months of this food-based journey tends to be the easiest, albeit the most time-consuming. Basically anything can be turned into food for a baby. Young children, particularly the ones without teeth yet will eat almost anything that can be transformed into a paste-like sludge. The role of the parent is little more than adding some type of seasoning to it in order to make it as approachable as possible. You can use simple tricks to increase the consumption of healthy vegetables by adding things like chocolate and cinnamon to purified broccoli or something slightly less disgusting.

One of the biggest fears for new parents is how to identify food allergies. It is a legitimate concern for new parents who are not sure what potential food allergies a baby may or may not have. The silver lining is that because there is truly no way of knowing what allergies a baby is born with you can feel free to feed them anything and just be as alert as possible. If you feed your baby a small piece of softshell crab meat and he or she spirals into anaphylactic shock, consider that a learning moment and a win. You now know that your child may react negativity to shellfish. Trial and error is really the only way to go about it.  Babies are remarkably resilient and can usually overcome the initial parenting screw-ups quickly because they’re small, flexible, and move their bowels virtually ‘round the clock thus eliminating toxins rapidly.

Early childhood is also a great time to introduce some of the more exquisite and advanced flavors of the adult world like sushi, curry, or Mediterranean cuisine. Babies typically are far more willing to try anything and this will prevent having to negotiate meal time later in life, as your child will already be accustomed to a variety of diverse flavors. As an added perk, many of these foodstuffs are extravagantly priced which will keep you, the parent, locked deep in a cyclical system of self-sustaining poverty thereby preparing you for the rest of your natural life as a penniless live-in housekeeper.

As children age, their acceptance and food-based development regresses as they slowly discover sugar contained within a wide variety of foods based purely on the idea of empty calories. Toddler-aged children and up will gradually be steered into a junk food-centric society as their exposure to popular culture and, namely, television increases. This is when the many months you spent stirring nutmeg into pureed sweet potatoes and forking over $9 for a tempura ahi roll will prove beneficial. Ultimately there is no stopping the relentless desire of a child to binge on candy all day but at least you’re adequately prepared to suggest a wide variety of real food alternatives you already know they like. Children can only eat so much oatmeal before it becomes forgettable.

Another one of the more frustrating avenues in the food culture of children is the downright refusal to eat. For seemingly no reason at all, a child will reject everything. There are two options for the parent in these scenarios. You can continually badger your child and make the act of eating a forced exercise which will result in a firestorm of rage, screaming, fighting, and crying that will have you praying for a meteor to strike your home and end the madness or you can let he or she sit there and be hungry. Eventually a child’s natural survival instincts will kick in and they will eat. Parents have a strange tendency to believe that missing a meal (or something similar like a nap or a bowel movement) will result in the immediate death of their child and because of this belief they are willing to go the route of forcing food on a child who simply doesn’t feel like eating.

The key in all this food-centric chaos is to remember the act of putting nutrients in your face hole is solely for the purpose of survival. Adults have transformed food and survival into a lifestyle based on sensory experiences and opulence. The food culture of a child is not in any way about these things. It is during this time that you must remember that food is about nutrition and is required for continuing life. If your child does not like your highbrow coconut-infused skin-on broiled Chilean seabass with artisanal brie methylcellulose mousse don’t get distressed, instead just fire up a bowl of instant rice with some crumbled oreos on top. After all, they have the rest of their lives to indulge.

instagram

February 11, 2017
by Creed
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Dumpster Fire: Social Media and Adults, pt. 1

We all use it. We all probably use it daily. We say that it enhances our lives through availability of information and interpersonal connections. It’s social media and it is in large part a malignant abscess of humanity existing right at our fingertips.

Virtually every average adult has at least one social media account. Many of us have several. We use them for two reasons. Of those two reasons, one is stated and one is not. All adults who have accounts use them for one or both of these reasons: information and narcissism. While both these traits don’t apply to everyone equally, at least one applies in all cases and in many situations, both.

It’s true that social media has made us more connected than ever. However because virtually all human emotions can now be experienced through a screen, it has arguably made us less connected than ever, at least in any meaningful sort of way. Speaking strictly about access to information – news, sports, lifestyle, etc. – social media has had a transformative effect on humanity. Everything, literally everything, is available at a moment’s notice through various sources. Through social media not only can you access developing stories immediately, but you can do it through the lens of your own personal worldview filtered by who you follow, like, or befriend in the world of the internet. In doing this, we can change the content of what we read to match what we believe. It is in this way that even when viewing factual information, social media can alter it enough to match the values of the user.

The most abundant use of social media is for purposes of self-service. Through virtually all mediums you’ll see an abundance of narcissistic grown people using social media for their own vainglory. This happens in a variety of ways and largely depends on which social media application you are using. No matter the app or use of it, however, the sole purpose is self-gratification. On Facebook this takes the form of the visual glorification of one’s life through pictures and oversharing. On Instagram it’s done with selfies and filters to falsely boost one’s self-esteem based on public perception. On Twitter this is achieved through pandering and reciprocal pandering. While it changes forms in various ways and occasionally changes entirely based on the platform, it all serves the same essential purpose of narcissistic fulfillment.

In this new multi-part series, we’ll examine the effects that social media has on the two purposes it serves, information and narcissism, and how those effects impact individuals and what purpose they serve. Social media is the quintessential example of a double-edged sword and unfortunately, most of us are using it far too irresponsibly. If you view it critically, most people shouldn’t be using it at all. However, similar to other hugely consequential areas of life that are haphazardly open to the general public for free like voting and procreating, having a social media account requires no existing intelligence level or even a license to practice.

kids watching kids be kids

February 5, 2017
by Creed
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Kids Watching Kids Be Kids

There is an odd trend in the world of kids entertainment that seemingly defies explanation. This phenomenon is the act of kids watching shows about others kids who are literally doing nothing besides being kids. In a reality-style, DIY-ish video, kids can now watch video clips of other kids, just like them, doing the things that they do everyday. These hugely popular videos showcase a kid doing things like playing with toys in various locations while his parent records it and adds in a narrative commentary about what is happening. Surely the first time you see one of these, as a parent, you’re not quite sure what to make of it. The kids that star in these videos are doing nothing that a regular kid wouldn’t already be doing on a daily basis. So why is it that kids enjoy watching videos of other kids doing what they spend most of their own day doing anyway? To delve deeper into the mind of a child and what a child thinks about, these videos offer some fascinating insight. Although difficult to understand at first for a parent, ultimately there is value here. Finding it is the tough part.

On it’s surface, the videos are a means for the parents to earn income in some capacity. The toys are cited by brand name and are referenced repeatedly, indicating that at the very least, the parent is acquiring these toys free of charge with the understanding they’ll routinely plug the toy throughout the video. While the capitalist nature of these clips is evident, they aren’t shameless product plugs. The product advertisement is consistently present but is ancillary to the actual content of the video. The content is almost strictly about the kid playing with these things in various locations and thus, all the videos are relatively similar yet distinctly different.

There are multiple examples of these ‘kids watching kids be kids’ videos. The Axel Show is literally nothing more than a boy, Axel, and his father, Patrick, going to various outdoor sites and playing with toys. These videos, admittedly rudimentary in content, dialogue, and production value regularly receive upwards of 500,000 YouTube views with many video’s views in the millions. All told, the Axel Show has 154,000 YouTube subscribers and includes nearly 300 videos ranging in length from a few minutes to around fifteen minutes. The two-and-a-half minute trailer alone for this program has 1.2 million views.

A similar program entitled Ryan’s Toy Review is quite clearly intended for the financial benefit of the family however the content is generally much the same. A young kid, Ryan, goes around playing with things while his mom videos him, again, always referencing the toys by brand name and description. In terms of YouTube popularity, Ryan’s Toy Review has existed for a much shorter time period than The Axel Show but is substantially more popular. The parents also state in the description of their channel that most of the toys eventually go to charities. Ryan’s videos routinely get over a million views each and his YouTube channel has about six million subscribers.

Why, however, do kids like this? Most kids have the ability to easily do whatever they see in the videos anyway so why would they rather watch videos of kids being kids rather than go do those things themselves? There are several answers to this question.

First, kids view entertainment not entirely differently from how adults view it. In much the same way an adult will watch a sports game or a reality show, kids view these videos because they understand that what they’re viewing is plausible to their day-to-day lives. Certainly anyone of us can go to a park and throw around a football but very few of us can do it with the precision and fanfare of Tom Brady. Similarly, we can go to bars and clubs and go on dates but we never get to select our mate from a line-up of attractive humans by eliminating them one-by-one through a dramatic rose-giving ceremony. We watch this type of programming for the drama and the spectacle. Children are no different with their entertainment. Watching kids who aren’t them playing with toys they don’t have is, in essence, not much removed from an adult watching QVC, the Food Network, or any daytime talk show.

Secondly, kids covet. In perhaps one of the saddest realizations in the parenting world, kids covet no differently than adults do. They just covet different things. The ‘kids watching kids be kids’ video phenomenon is thus an effective marketing technique without the shameless, in-your-face merchandising plugs because it appeals to desire based on coveting. Even without explicit advertising techniques or cliches, the kids watching these videos identify the toys specifically even with only minimal mention of what the toy is called or branded. Although the content is the human interaction between a kid, his parent, and the toy, the underlying attraction to the videos is a child seeing something he or she wants and doesn’t have.

Thirdly, kids don’t always have involved parents and these videos espouse an atmosphere where not only does the kid being videoed have an abundance of toys, but he has parents willing to stand there with a camera and video them. In this sense, it appeals to the ego of a child but also highlights the fact that many children truly do have involved parents who make ample time to interact with them. In this vein, the videos serve a need as a mental fantasyland for children whose parents would rather just stick an iPad in front of them rather than engage.

While ultimately these videos are materialistic and vain, there is value in them. Perhaps most evident is the creativity they are capable of producing. A kid may try to mimic something he or she sees in the video and in doing so, learns how to engage in a way they may not have before. Perhaps most valuable in these videos is using them as a tool to promote activity. Kids watching kids be kids may actually motivate a kid to get outside and be a kid. As opposed to other inane children’s programming that keeps them visually locked into a screen for hours on end, these videos are generally short and concise.

rife with failure

January 23, 2017
by Creed
1 Comment

Rife with Failure

Rife with failure. This expression can infiltrate your life at any juncture. Adulthood is rife with failure in so many ways that perhaps the most important tool any adult can develop is an immunity to failure, as it will surely impact your life consistently and repeatedly.

One of the mainstays of adulthood is work. However, modern work is different from the work of our parents and grandparents. Loyalty and career building were once noble characteristics of work which have now been replaced by moving from job to job in order to establish a resume built on principles of diverse expertise. Everyone is now a jack of all trades and master of none. However you can still be the master of one trade; failure.

Applying for a job is rife with failure. Despite the various experts and career counseling services, there is truly no definition of a perfect resume or a perfect interview. The best course of action for the modern worker is to expect total failure at every turn. In doing so, you’re virtually never disappointed since failure has become your norm. Don’t worry too much about the content of your resume, most employers barely glance at it anyway. In a similar vein, don’t stress yourself out over preparing for an interview simply because hiring in the modern age is based on networking, specified skills, physical appearance, and charisma. You could essentially show up to a job interview in a three-piece suit with perfectly greased hair after spritzing on your finest musk and get beaten out for a job by a guy with holes in his chinos and mismatched socks simply because he was referred by a friend to the company. Even more devastating is when you’re beaten out by no one at all and the company simply closes the position due to lack of capable applicants. In this case, you’ve been denied a job that was eventually dissolved because you are such a tremendous failure that your credentials were insufficient for employment even when everyone else who applied was arguably worse. Congrats.

In order to best experience failure in all aspects of your life, you need to take it home with you. Monogamous relationships are another fun area of adulthood that are rife with failure. Although initially constructed on the principles of love, companionship, and mutual interest, long-term monogamy becomes rife with failure at the most unpredictable times. Although these failures are usually small things like poorly cleaning a cheese grater or mixing the whites and the colors, they add up over time to paint a larger representation of how you are not only unemployable in the professional sphere, but also quite useless in the domestic one. Go ahead and throw that lonesome sock in the drawer without its match. Doesn’t matter. Put the toilet paper on the wrong shelf, roll up the vacuum cord backwards, and put the fruit in the vegetable crisper. None of this stuff matters anyway, you useless sack.

One of the best areas to experience utter failure is parenting. Parenting right from the get-go is rife with failure and perhaps most interestingly, it really never ends. The failure of parenting will always find a way to manifest itself again and again in new, creative outlets. Don’t worry if your infant crawls between the wall and the washing machine and gets stuck. It is natural for babies to be curious and given that they are small and flexible most likely they’re unhurt by this misadventure. Most of the failures of parenting are accidents or learning moments that are only perceived as failure due to the lack of experience in parenting. However as children grow they are only exposed to more and more situations that could potentially result in sickness or injury and surely you’re as unprepared for these and you were the first time he or she scaled the bars of the crib and toppled over the side.

Being an adult is so rife with failure that the best way to prevent constant embarrassment and shame is to embrace your total ineptitude in every area of life. Adults tend to get embarrassed quickly in situations where they get the wrong answer and this leads to stigmatization and fear of even answering at all in the future. Children, by comparison, will take a shot at literally anything because they haven’t been trained through years of conditioning that failure is bad or wrong. Live your life more like an innocent child. Screw everything up and feel no shame whatsoever. Life is rife with failure but that’s where you find the humanity and the lessons. Certainly many of these things will never vanish entirely and you’ll be well prepared to embrace uselessness time and time again, like a writer who despite their wealth of experience still always manags to worked in a fw typos.

advice from a 3-year-old

January 8, 2017
by Creed
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Advice from a 3-year-old

The simple reason you cannot trust parenting websites, blogs, forums, and books is because most if not all of them claim to be experts and typically they all have views on how to parent correctly. It’s well established in the parenting world and in humanity as whole that no two people are completely the same. This is no different with small children and obviously rings true when talking about parents as well. Even identical twins raised in an identical environment will establish their own interests and thus, their own behaviors as a result of that. What’s been made quite clear with the so-called parenting experts is that you, the parent, are the one taking charge of the situation. You’re the adult and what you say, do, or imply by example is doctrine. Essentially, don’t take your advice from a 3-year-old.

But why not? Children are intelligent and astute. Certainly they haven’t been poisoned by adult society yet so they’re also pure and innocent. They are untainted humans and surely their behaviors, albeit unpredictably erratic at times, are normally not in pursuit of some ulterior motive and almost never are they intentionally deceitful. In fact, children tend to be brutally honest in every situation especially when their honesty is of severe inconvenience to their parent.

Advice from a 3-year-old is perhaps the best untapped pool of parenting genius around. A 3-year-old, and young children in general, have innocent intentions that almost always orbit something fun and/or required for basic survival like eating or urinating. Be the caretaker over the welfare of your family by taking advice from a 3-year-old.

If you and your child are hungry, let them decide what’s for dinner. It won’t matter much that you’ve already had pizza three times this week because pizza is delicious and obesity is now socially acceptable. Remind yourself that only a hundred or so years ago morbid obesity was a status symbol – a sign of wealth and prosperity. Loosen up that belt and have a few slices. Don’t worry about your expanding waistline and increasing blood pressure. Instead think about how modern society embraces people of all shapes because being politically incorrect in social settings is now so stigmatized that no one will ever poke fun at you right to your face. Additionally, improve your emotional solace by knowing that if modern society adhered to 19th century social dictums of wealth and happiness, you’d be considered a robber baron. By making an important meal decision for the family your child will be happy. More importantly, your child made a choice. Advice from a 3-year-old has benefitted everyone.

If it’s raining outside and you’re confined indoors for most of the day with your 3-year-old, just go with the flow. Let them stare at the iPad all day. In the modern developed world there are a myriad of learning apps and games that can fill in for you as a source of education and learning. Kick your feet up while your child stares into a screen positioned literally inches from their face for hours on end. No biggie, modern medicine can cure any vision impairments these days anyway. When they get sick of the device and need to blow off some steam, maybe engage for a bit and play like the child you are inside. 3-year-olds have the energy of a puppy on meth and perhaps a good game of ‘chase me around the table for two hours’ will benefit your ever-expanding waistline since all you do is eat pizza now. Remember, the peak of human physicality is age thirty and your metabolism isn’t what it once was.

When your child is noticeably tired but refuses to sleep, just let them stay up. Take your sleeping advice from a 3-year-old. Eventually a young child will get so completely exhausted that they’ll crash literally anywhere. No worries. If he or she feels the need to stay up to eleven doing nothing at all, let it go. Children fight sleep at every opportunity even when they are clearly fatigued beyond repair. You child will eventually sleep at some point and then you too will get to rest. It doesn’t matter much that you have to be up at four the next morning to go to work. Laboring tireless for your pitiful salary isn’t nearly as important as letting your child make a mistake that they probably won’t learn from and will likely choose to repeat again the very next night. The human body might not function as well when exhausted but perhaps your performance at work will start to slip and you’ll have that extra motivation you need to excel after your boss threatens to discipline you. In extreme circumstances you may even fall asleep at your desk and be fired at which point you can collect unemployment and spend more time with your family. There is nothing but silver lining here.

Quite clearly it is of paramount importance that you, the parent, allow your 3-year-old to make the calls. Everyone is eating, everyone is playing, everyone is sleeping and there is no way any of these tactics can at all backfire ever. When given the chance to make an independent decision, you’ll find that so long as they have the proper information and are shown an example even once, a young child will make the right one. While you as the parent will need to intercede in the best interests of health and learning from time to time, you can do it in ways that are not evident to the child. They might not like when you put cucumbers on their pizza or replace YouTube Kids with science and math games but that won’t matter much because ultimately you are the parent and what you say goes, even if you have to be sneaky to achieve these means. You’re letting your child make the decisions and feeling like an autonomous being and not a subservient house guest is of the greater good for your precious angel.

As time passes and you’ve ate enough pizza, played enough iPad, chased them enough around the table, and stayed up all night making oatmeal on various occasions, the methods you’ve employed to limit their scope of freedom within their ‘autonomous decisions’ will bear fruit. Put their favorite apps back on the iPad. Put some vegetables on the plate. The options of independent decision making that existed all along still exist and now you’ve integrated some choices all of which you know have healthy, productive and unhealthy, nonproductive alternatives readily available. The advice from a 3-year-old tactic will shift just enough to see a result. The choices the 3-year-old makes this time around will be of appropriate balance and you can retire for the night at nine thirty like a totally normal thirty-something-year-old geriatric.

January 5, 2017
by Creed
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Role Modeling Rage

Unless you’ve lived the entirety of your life as a noble and pious beacon of humanity and altruism, surely there are at least a few undesirable qualities that you possess. Qualities that likely are not considered ideal in raising a child – things like lying or being sneaky. Even if it’s done in the interest of surprising someone or hiding a truth that’s potentially hurtful to another human, everyone has lied. Sometimes many things that adults just simply do as a function of their lives are not things anyone would blatantly attempt to teach a child. These are things like drinking, swearing, or judging. Surely at some point you’ve done these things and just as certainly as a parent, you likely don’t want your toddler drinking, swearing, or judging. You certainly don’t have to take the moral high ground in every situation to be a good parent but the observations of a child in daily like are unpreventable. That said, parenting is ripe with failure as even the most upstanding role model is human.

My son has some issues with his temper. In a general sense, he’s a kind and polite 3-year-old. He has good manners and seems to generally understand right from wrong, yes from no, and how to interact with both family and strangers in socially appropriate ways. Seemingly without much guidance, he’s developed a keen awareness for how others feel and how he perceives them. What he hasn’t yet developed in any awareness whatsoever for how people perceive him. That’s ok for the most part, as typically he’s a normal kid with likes and dislikes, hopes and fears, and real, controlled emotional responses.

Where the temperament comes in is when there’s something to stimulate dissatisfaction. Literally the most benign inconvenience causes him to react in a way that can only be described as extreme. There is no sliding scale of irritation, frustration, anger, and rage like is typically common with most adults and many children. His demeanor seemingly drops from pleasant satisfaction into volatile hostility in fewer than two seconds and in doing so, has a tremendous effect on his worldview at any given moment. Perhaps because he’s only three, he hasn’t developed a full command of his emotions but by comparison, when the emotion elicited isn’t anger the result is different. Even less desired emotions like sadness, longing, or even physical pain do not seem to cause him to fall as steeply as rage. He tends to go through permutations of emotional reasoning so long as the emotion brewing is anything besides rage. With rage, he just drops off that cliff.

As a parent it is a difficult course to navigate simply because firstly, I don’t understand it and secondly, I too have a short fuse in certain situations. While I have learned over time how volatility can stimulate negative consequences in reality, it doesn’t make me any more qualified to try and teach a toddler how to negotiate his rage. I am not a trained rage role model. I’m not a trained role model for anything. He’s typically quite receptive to suggestions and tends to realize after the fact that he may have responded a bit too intensely. It seems that simply discussing these things with him afterward is beneficial to both of us.

However at times I can mess this up more than I can improve it. It’s been well-document on this blog and in life in general that raising a child can be a frustrating existence. The tolerance and patience required is high and not always available round the clock for many adults. It is also well-documented that being a role model isn’t something you’re just born with. Last night he dropped into a moment of rage and I, purely out of shameful adult instinct, ripped his iPad out of his hands and put it where he couldn’t reach it. I spent some time wondering how one act of wrongful parenting may have erased any good I had done in instances prior. I essentially validated his rage with my own. I, as the physically stronger being can dominate him whenever the need arises. That isn’t something I should ever have to prove or exercise, but I did.

May 15, 2016
by Creed
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Intimacy and Parenting: A Lover’s Guide to Sex and Family

It’s a very well-known fact that having a child changes your life forever. Raising a small human requires an adult to totally reprioritize responsibilities. There are countless hours spent cooking, cleaning, and preparing all in the interest of keeping the little creature alive. Most adults guess their way through this process. Despite all the books and websites claiming to be experts on the subject, no one is qualified to tell you exactly how to reorganize your life and your priorities simply because no two people share the same responsibilities and character traits. Sacrifice must be made in order to raise a child. One arena where sacrifice is most evident is in the sex life of the parents. Sex is simply not a priority when compared to other factors like feeding and clothing the baby while straddling the poverty line and maintaining full-time jobs just to survive. There are, however, a variety of ways that the busy full-time employee/full-time parent can reap all the benefits of raising a healthy and happy child while still enjoying an abundance of unbridled, monogamous debauchery. This article will take you on a journey towards hedonistic bliss by describing several simple and unique ways to recreate that intense intimacy you experienced as a childless couple.

Sex type 1: Romantic

As a child rearing adult couple, romance has vanished entirely from your life and romantic sex is just a figment of your imagination. However, romantic pleasure can be recreated in a “Pinterest-project” like fashion with a few key ingredients like incense, candles, and a basket of pinecones. Prepare a warm greeting for your lover by lighting some scented wax and adorning the dinner table with a lovely seasonal centerpiece. Use these comfortable aromas and romantic motifs to draw her in for a night of that steamy auld lang syne lovin’. Of course, you’ll be fast asleep by the time she gets home but the effort was there and the pinecones smell amazing.

Sex type 2: Lustful

Ever gaze across the proverbial toy box that is your living room and catch your dime piece baby momma bending down to pick up some plastic race cars at just the right angle? That angle where the sun beam peeking through your faded white economy fauxwood shutters glances off her voluptuous backside at just the right divergence? You do. Lust rushes over you at that moment. You must have her. Ravish her. But alas, for the tiny human is but an earshot away and will surely appear at any moment. How do you recreate that impromptu, lustful coitus that you enjoyed regularly just a few short years ago? You don’t. Move on with your life and stop wearing sweatpants if you can’t control your urges.

Sex type 3: Filthy

At any given moment the average mature adult is just a slight tweak away from reverting back to a vile and immature dirt bag. It’s intrinsic in all of us. As a young, childless couple, embracing these instances is easy. When there is no burden of caring for child, one can freely move back and forth between responsible member of society and sexually perverse miscreant. Sharing a moment of pure, unbridled filth with your lover is a gift worth cherishing, as it’s one of the first things you must abandon as a parent. You can, however, recreate the atmosphere consistent with filthy deviant sex even after having a kid by remembering a few key points. Most importantly, remember that showering everyday might be socially encouraged but is in no way a requirement. Go ahead and wear those same sweatpants 3 or 4 or even 9 days straight. Go ahead. Embrace that filth. Use your disgusting body odor as the pheromone it is and return to your most animalistic to remind your lover of how vile and filthy you once were together. While there will certainly be no actual physical penetration, you can use your uncouth physical form and detestable odor as a reminder of those raw acts of obscene and offensive passion you once shared. Elevate your mind to fully embrace tangible filth and achieve a shared pleasure far greater than any sleazy intercourse could ever provide. After all, the brain is the largest erogenous zone.

Sex type 4: Angry

There’s nothing like a good fight between partners. Conflict can be healthy and although you may harbor some periodic resentment, ultimately the greater good typically shines through. The added benefit for those in a monogamous relationship is the sex that occasionally follows a good argument. Marriage is essentially constructed on the principles of healthy rage and rage love, rage sex, and rage snuggling are cornerstone of this institution. In a family environment, however, the rage persists but the required sexual resolution is often not realized. Pacify yourself in these situations by knowing that the rage will continue long after your child is grown and moved out. In the meantime, find other outlets for your rage. Coworkers and subordinate employees can fill this role nicely. If you find yourself lacking outlets for your anger, take up some hobbies that inherently embody the principles of healthy rage like golf, archery, or functional alcoholism. The fornication will eventually return to your temporary bouts of rage, but angry patience is important at this time.

Sex type 5: Monastic

The easiest way to survive sexual frustration as a married couple with a toddler is celibacy. Sexual abstinence is a noble and pious undertaking and can help connect you mentally and emotionally to other organic life forms that live without sex like trees, ferns, and soil. Become one with the Earth by adopting a sexual lifestyle similar to most house plants and asexual insects. Spend the bulk of your day focusing on your career, maintaining your home, and caring for your child by adopting the sexual tendencies of an aphid. Over time you’ll grow to embrace the monastic lifestyle as you fully transform into a vestal virgin of the hearth. Literally every form of life you encounter will be better off because of your ability to suppress your urges and embrace the observance of celibacy.

Raising a child is a trying time for a working couple and there are countless obstacles that must be reconciled in order to be successful. Don’t let your sexual relationship dictate your strength as a couple. Empower your family and move forward together by using these simple guidelines for maintaining various degrees of sexual intimacy.

May 8, 2016
by Creed
0 comments

Color Me(,) Human

Attention everyone. There is a new, hot trend for the modern adult. Something simple that we can all embrace and together bask is a collective awesomeness. It’s not something that requires substantial income like a hot new fashion trend or substantial time commitments like a trendy new home décor style that needs time and planning. It’s a quick and inexpensive trend that we can all take part in within the confines of our own homes. Adult coloring. Adult coloring books are hot right now. So hot. So hot in fact that there’s a worldwide shortage of colored pencils. So get up and get coloring. Be you. Be expressive. Be super cool. Be like an 8-year-old.

adult coloring

Stop coloring. You’re 40.

Adult coloring has taken modern society by storm. Adults claim that resurrecting this childhood hobby is both relaxing and therapeutic. Get out from under that spousal-related stress by doodling little dragonflies in the pattern of a woven gingham bed skirt. Blow off that work-related frustration by tracing colorful lines around predetermined shapes, much like you did in kindergarten. After all, there is no one more docile and relaxed than a small child. Proof positive that coloring simply must be the answer to relieve that high-strung mentality you’ve come to embrace in adulthood.

You can purchase adult coloring books and the needed supplies at any arts and crafts store, big box retailer, or even from a variety of online shopping sites. There are countless resources for you as a fully mature human to frivolously spend money on this delightful, childhood hobby. By enabling this continuing trend, adults have seemingly made the hobby of coloring a metaphor for the inherent wastefulness of human life in general. The legendary medical researcher and virologist Jonas Salk once famously said that “if all insects on Earth disappeared, within 50 years all life on Earth would end. If all human beings disappeared from Earth, within 50 years, all forms of life would flourish.” Certainly Salk would not be at all surprised that the wasteful and destructive human was continuing his wasteful and destructive existence by coloring pastel florals and vibrant tropical hues in the comfort of his own living room for literally no reason at all. The decline of modern society and the phenomenon of adult coloring is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Humanity is doomed.

adult coloring

It’s a little known fact that mathematical prodigy and domestic terrorist Ted Kaczynski enjoyed him a good color.

Eventually every trend goes just a little too far and gets labeled as damaging. This has happened in a recurring fashion with seemingly normal and enjoyable hobbies like unbridled opiate abuse, abundant alcoholism, and intense sexual perversion. This will eventually happen with adult coloring as well. At some point, some lunatic will take coloring just a little too far and accidently massacre an entire congregation. When this happens, it will certainly ruin coloring as a viable hobby for all the other normal adults who legitimately color for fun and release. Embrace this trend while it’s popular and not considered socially deviant because eventually everyone who colors will be considered a de facto murderer. Moreover, consider leveling up this hobby immediately by bringing some coloring books into your lavish opium den to share with your harem. Aim high.

adult coloring

If your opium den doesn’t double as a coloring harem then you really need to reevaluate your life choices.

Like any trend, adult coloring will find its niche and eventually fade away from the mainstream. As we grow older, surely we’ll look back on this time and chuckle with glee. For it’s a unique time in our history. The population has never been more dense. The atmosphere never more polluted. The wealth/poverty gap has never been wider, we have an orange-skinned capitalist billionaire representing the Republican Party, and grown ass adults are spending time engaged in children’s activities for relaxation. What a time to be alive.

April 30, 2016
by Creed
0 comments

Rage and Marriage

The institution of marriage is a thing of beauty. The tradition of holy matrimony between partners is a sacred union that requires love, compassion, understanding, teamwork, and compromise. But there is an oft overlooked component of a successful marriage that’s just as critical. Limitless rage.

The foundation of any good marriage is based on two things; love and rage. The most successful marriages, the ones that go the distance, combine these two aspects in perfect harmony thereby creating a scenario where rage becomes a basic need for survival. Marriage is practically designed to promote anger and hostility. Two autonomous beings living literally their entire lives together in the same home with countless shared interests will inevitably develop intense resentment, consistent disagreement, and ultimately, enough organic rage to power a small motor vehicle.

marriage

This is superficial rage at best. Not marriage material.

For the average heterosexual male, marriage is made easier simply because the average heterosexual female harbors an abundance of rage. Most women are hardwired in this way. Rage is a seemingly natural byproduct of the female genome. Men are introduced to this phenomenon very early in life, often from residing with an enraged mother or grandmother. It is a critical tool in preparing a young man for adulthood. One that’s sure to be filled with copious amounts of feminine rage. The men that let their marriages fail are usually the men ill-equipped at handling the aggressive hostility of the female rage rhino. Building up an endurance to this environment is of paramount importance and is especially crucial to cultivating a long-lasting and fruitful marriage that incorporates all the other factors of a healthy relationship such as compassion, compromise, and support. It takes a variety of such qualities to keep a marriage functioning and yet oddly enough they all grow from the male’s ability to tolerate and even embrace rage. Rage is foundational to all other healthy values and thereby the seed from which the marriage tree will either flourish or die.

Once a man has accepted an ample volume of rage into his life, very quickly he’ll become dependent on it. A man will actively search for new and creative ways to continually enrage his best gal simply because he needs to meet his basic needs. It is important that women recognize this need and react appropriately. Placing blame on the man for intentionally instigating conflict is cruel. It truly is not his fault that unbridled animosity now excites him.

marriage

You can tell a lot about a woman by how she attempts to murder you.

A wise man once said that marriage is simply about picking the battles you’ll eventually lose anyway but that’s not an accurate statement. Over time, years of marriage will train the married male to only find angry women attractive. Therefore, picking battles is not about losing, it’s about intentionally losing in order to generate more rage. Because of this fact, bdsm style sexual fantasies rarely work well in committed relationships because the very idea of marriage is rooted in bondage and it becomes redundant. You can, however, spice up sexy time with signature phrases like, “your mustache looks really good today” or “you’re so much like your mother.” Your woman will appreciate the extra effort you’ve made to increase your intimacy and reward you substantially with days of endless sex and a proverbial reservoir of bountiful anger.

marriage

Use body language and other non-verbal cues to encourage anger and ultimately, happiness.

The love between a man and woman is a priceless gift that should be cherished and appreciated to its fullest. Although at times marriage might seem like an endless cycle of failed preemptive strikes and routine guilt-shaming, it is simply about embracing the most important qualities and human values by effectively sowing the seeds of rage early and often. Don’t become indifferent to rage. Don’t lose that spark. Marriage is a fun and adventurous journey towards that inevitably painful death that awaits us all. Make the most of that journey.

March 9, 2016
by Creed
0 comments

Cast Your Vote for Jesus

It’s a glorious time in America. A time when we can look towards the future with hope. A time when we can use our own voice to help this fine nation embrace positive change. A time that even the eldest among us has only experienced a handful of times, as it only comes around once every four years. It’s election season in America. So let’s gather ‘round and do something we haven’t done for four long years…let our voices be heard by Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, for it is he would will raise our president yet again.

Perhaps the greatest lie American citizens choose to believe is that they are an active member of a participatory democracy. With resounding vigor we attend political rallies and watch televised debates and our voices echo to the high heavens with glee as we listen to the latest guise of feigned sincerity and euphemisms espoused by the predetermined few we can cast our ballot for. For the citizens, there are a myriad of candidates to choose from that’s slowly narrowed down throughout the campaign process. These candidates are of diverse cultural backgrounds and educations. They’ve held a variety of different offices at different levels of state and national government. They have unique and distinct personalities and dramatic differences of opinion on how to run a nation. They have a profound variety of beliefs about science, technology and the future of America. There is literally only one thing that they consistently agree upon: The ultimate authority of the Judeo-Christian deity.

One would think that perhaps the greatest challenge a national political candidate faces is effectively appealing to a broad spectrum of individual. After all, there are dozens or races and hundreds of ethnic identities across a wide range of socioeconomic statuses and cultural worldviews. Quite a task it seems to be able to appeal similarly to all that. Yet one of the key advantages politicians have is that this same audience is filled with ignorance and empowered with the belief that their voice matters. As an example, the average voter is very open to hearing what the nominees have to say about real issues. Any random issue will work for this example. Say, an opinion on immigration or foreign policy or medical care. These are the types of issues we listen to. This is what’s debated. Ultimately, it’s these things that will “sell” that candidate best to voters. Yet while people readily seek to understand a particular candidate’s stance on similar issues, very few among us are willing to question why all the candidates are openly Christian. Or better yet, why we’ve had many prior openly Christian presidents, say for example, 43 in a row. It is facts such as the seemingly blind belief in Christianity that every past president has admitted to embracing that conveniently gets neglected by the average voter literally ever single election. Perhaps it’s a well-known fact that the majority of American voters readily identify with some branch of Christianity. Or perhaps it’s actually a legitimate occurrence that, by sheer coincidence, that last 43 qualified people to lead this country as elected by the citizenry just happened to be of the Christian faith. Or perhaps it’s good salesmanship.

In 1987 George Bush famously stated that atheists cannot be considered citizens or patriots and in doing so, he was well aware that such a statement posed absolutely no threat to his election. Indeed the dictum “one nation under god” is a concept wholly accepted by the vast majority of American voters. It is not merely allowed but fully expected that presidential candidates blatantly showcase their religiousness, no matter how supernatural the belief, so long as it runs parallel to the doctrines of Christianity.

Surely we can make a convincing argument that some of the more intellectual citizens elected as president couldn’t all possibly share the same religious outlook. What are the odds that there have truly been 43 consecutive Christian presidents? Rarely will you find a typical academic of the sciences who believes in a personal god and these are some of the most astute minds in existence. Yet somehow when it comes to becoming president, intelligent science doesn’t apply. There is a long standing history of presidential faith in Christianity, so much so that it might as well be part of the job description. So, let’s see. Must be a college graduate. Must have prior experience in high-ranking political office. Must be able to lift 50lbs from a squatting position. Must believe in Yahweh. Drug test required pending hire.

The only real alternative to believing that we’ve genuinely had a coincidental run of presidents subscribing to a similar faith is the possibility that some or many are lying. It’s an outlandish notion to think that a politician would lie. But if the general scholar of high academia rejects the idea of a personal god as so many do, one could only argue that the average intelligence and education of presidential nominees would put a great number of them in that same category. It’s certainly refreshing to believe that potential presidents might be lying about their religious views, as one’s metaphysical outlook shouldn’t much influence their ability to act as an intelligent and rational adult and yet they all seem to be well aware that a faith of any other kind or no faith at all would bar them from office. Intelligent Design aside, there’s no real reason to believe that a president of any faith ranging from staunch atheism to Jain dharma extremism couldn’t lead any more or less effectively than a Christian one. And yet this is what we’ve been left to choose from. Christians or liars.

The challenge in all this is doing the right thing. While the available candidates have been strongly restricted to you, your ability to vote for them is still your own free will. Ask yourself not what a particular nominee thinks is best for the oil industry or what their policy on Iran is, but ask them why they choose to believe in a being that has been utterly rejected by the very people guiding real, material change in this world. Perhaps ask them why their faith not lie with the Buddha or with other mythical beings of history like Odin or Zeus. Why are they being selective in their atheism? This is the real question at hand. While that answer may prove difficult to evoke, surely they can tell you about the monies available through the religious lobby. Or maybe they won’t tell you that. Maybe they’ll lie. Don’t get too close to the tree of knowledge, human.

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