Dad for Beginners

Amateurism at its best


The Piñata


Young children do not need further incentive to be mischievous. It is a relatively well-known fact amongst the parent population that kids have an uncanny ability to find trouble where seemingly none exists. If manufacturing malfeasance was an industry, child labor laws would be outlawed forever. The vast majority of kids could find meaningful employment by professionally destroying everything within their wingspan. Productivity would skyrocket…and children would be researched as the next sustainable energy source. Eventually, all gas and electrical powered machinery would run on the harnessed power of unbridled childhood troublemaking and the energy affiliated with it. We would finally be free from fossil fuels forever. Rejoice.

The piñata is one of the ways in which modern parents have lassoed historical tradition and morphed it into a means by which children can further develop their destructive nature. The concept of the piñata has a rich history, dating back to ancient China, 14th century Europe, and Mayan Mesoamerica. The original piñata was a way to honor the cultural gods of the region and celebrate the coming harvest. By beating a papier-mâché animal with jagged sticks, the bounty contained within would fall to the feet of the idol, thus welcoming the harvest. Original piñatas often contained the seeds that would subsequently be planted and would flourish under the care of the false god from which they were beaten out of.


Refrain from using mythical creatures in your piñata, children need to believe in what they are destroying.

For modern children celebrating an event by smashing the innards out of a colorful animal, they too can channel the deified sacrificial abilities of Huitzilopochtli and instantly command the upper hand in tribute warfare with their rival kindergarten. Kids truly do not know the advantages they stand to gain by quickly and efficiently maiming the dangling papier-mâché critter.

Through this show of childhood strength and violence, kids can also learn two of the most valuable assets in adulthood: bloodshed and greed. It is of paramount importance in 21st century America that young children learn as early as possible that the world is a cruel and evil place and the only possible way to get ahead is to resort to excessive brutality and foster an increased hunger for gluttony. By decisively destroying the piñata and selfishly claiming its inner bounty for oneself, a child will fully comprehend the American way of avarice and annihilation. If they can somehow be taught do it as remorselessly as possible, then consider that the true definition of an added perk.


Pictured here, a group of future capitalists learn how to brutalize beauty and hoard the reward. Americans in training.

Once the violent energy of children has been scientifically adapted into useable power for our vehicles and warmth, piñatas could be the single greatest asset in the renewable resource community, replacing things like petroleum, natural gas, solar panels, wind turbines, and eventually the sun altogether. With children as the nucleus of all life on Earth, we can thrive forever in eternal darkness long after the sun has expired, surrounded by an abundance of sustainable energy and the incandescent glow of the planetary nebula.

The key is harnessing this energy. By doing so, you are not only perpetuating human existence, but you’re educating kids on the importance of savagery and greed all while maximizing the productivity of your own personal human generator. While the tangible and financial benefits to adults will be historically unparalleled, the intrinsic value will be unprecedented. After all, there is nothing more simple yet productive than teaching kids to bludgeon flamboyant animals with clubs and then fight over who gets to keep its insides.

The piñata, therefore, represents a landmark discovery in the history of the human race. With a little modern innovation, we as adults can simultaneously coach children to buy into our cultural norms while being productive members of society. It’s a win-win. Be sure to congratulate your youngling when he or she is the sole beneficiary of a successful piñata assault. They are well on their way to becoming full-fledged, productive adults and maybe, just maybe, the saviors of all mankind.

Leave a Reply

Required fields are marked *.

%d bloggers like this: