Dad for Beginners

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How to Placate a Woman in 5 Easy Steps


As a man, women enrich our lives in so many ways. Whether it is a wife, mother, daughter, or platonic relationship, the company of a woman is always sought after. However, in much the same way that a woman can be charming, alluring, and coveted, they also have the innate ability to erupt into a murderous rage with nary a warning sign. For the intellectual man of honor and chivalry, it is best to react quickly and decisively in order to counteract this unpredictable act of aggression. Countless men struggle to grasp the intricacies of defending and reversing the female meltdown, however no more do men need to live in constant anxiety. Below are five foolproof methods to placate a women in your life.

  1. Be emotional – Women love a man who can express his emotions eloquently. While this is not always the most easily accessible feature in many males, it is an extremely beneficial skill to learn for the man seeking to placate his significant other. Emotion is evident in lots of different ways and for the man just starting this pilgrimage of emotional awakening, it is wise to start slow until you become an expert emotion-er. Use cliché phrases to placate a woman like, “don’t be so emotional,” “calm down,” and “you’ll be fine.” These are great ways to show the woman in your life that you care. As you better hone your emotionally sensitive side, mix in some of the more effective signature lines like, “you remind me of your mother” and “I’ll be at the bar.”
  1. Don’t be emotional – Women like men. Like, real men. Like, manly men. So it is of paramount importance in any relationship that you, the man, not be an overly sensitive, emotional girly man when she is in need of comforting. Instead, exercise your masculinity by ignoring any and all emotion and instead go do something manly like chopping wood, eating an entire brisket, or randomly kicking things. Your woman will see the rugged and untamed wilderness man that she fell in love with and the emotional burdens she carries will melt away like gossamer in a light rain.
  1. Give her space – Sometimes an angry or irritated woman just needs space. For many women, there is simply nothing that you, the man, is going to say or do in order to placate her and it is best to just step back and let the storm run its course. You can still be the helpful beacon of altruism in your relationship by leaving household chores and responsibilities undone in an attempt to occupy her mind during this time of isolation. Placate a woman by leaving the dirty dishes in the sink, the laundry in the hamper, and although it may be challenging, refrain from cleaning the bathroom or any room at all for that matter. In doing so, you give your significant other the necessary distractions to keep her mind engaged while she sorts through her emotional crisis in solitude.
  1. Don’t give her space – Women need constant validation and when faced with a displeased female, the best tactic for a man is to be available and all up in her business. By smothering your woman to the point of physical and emotional suffocation, you’re displaying your awareness and concern for her fragile emotional state. Often the best strategic play for a man in this situation is to adopt a “lost puppy” mentality and simply follow her from room to room asking nurturing and productive questions like, “what’s wrong?” and “when is dinner?” By permanently attaching yourself to your mate in a time of distress, you can better prepare yourself for the remainder of your life together. The flawless logic behind this tactic is one employed in the natural world by male Anglerfish of the deep sea. The male Anglerfish fuses his body to the female, becoming permanently attached and thus a slave to her biological demands until he dies.
  1. Stop breathing – This final tip is a highly advanced relationship strategy used by only the most skilled and experienced husbands. When a woman is in any state of emotional discomfort, the most effective course of action for a man is to simply stop breathing. By ceasing to consume oxygen, your internal organs will rapidly begin to fail and your blood will become a useless sludge providing zero nourishment to your body. As you enter a comatose state that’s sure to result in a painful death, your significant other will gradually improve as you slip into eternal darkness.

Now go forth, men, and employ these flawless tactics in your relationships with the female species. You will assuredly experience a strengthened bond and a renewed emotional warmth. Placating the women in your life is difficult, but understanding how to execute the task with superior grace and integrity is not. You’re welcome.

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