Rage, Golf, and Functional Alcoholism: Stress Relief In 18 Holes or Fewer Rage, Golf, and Functional Alcoholism: Stress Relief In 18 Holes or Fewer

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Rage, Golf, and Functional Alcoholism: Stress Relief in 18 Holes or Fewer


There is no sport that embodies the principles of healthy rage and functional alcoholism quite like golf. A far cry from real sports like martial arts, football, or even speed chess, golf is a leisurely gentleman’s game enjoyed for centuries by some of the finest persons history has ever produced. Golf also serves as a productive outlet for stress relief. Cherish the history of this noble game while enjoying the camaraderie of friends and blowing off some steam.

Despite its murky status as an actual ‘sport,’ golf is a fun and effective way to get some stress relief while embracing that which you do best, drink alcohol. Golf is a sport that not only has virtually no physical prerequisites for participating but permits and even condones the consumption of intoxicants while playing.

Instead of concentrating your down time on running, weight lifting, and healthy eating to better excel at the game like you would with other sports, with golf, you can continue your daily routine of excessive drinking and incessant bitching and feel safe in knowing that your unhealthy and irritating habits will only serve to improve your overall experience on the links.

Even professional golfers—people who actually get paid to strike a tiny ball repeatedly with a crooked stick—are willing to publically enable their own vices during work hours simply because it’s totally accepted.

John Daly made a career out of being a slovenly miscreant who smoked and drank while he played and while his game may have suffered at times due to his sloth, his celebrity never faded—in fact only grew with each professional abomination. Daly now resides on the PGA Champions Tour (the old dudes) where he not only continues to smoke and drink at suicidal levels, but continues to drive an annual salary upwards of seven figures.

For amateur golfers, ingesting intoxicants during a round of golf is virtually mandated. Courses and country clubs operate entire departments whose sole purpose is to drive around and make sure you stay inebriated (in the name of stress relief). Moreover, most country clubs and a good percentage of public courses require golfers to utilize golf carts in order to speed up the pace of play. A golf course is literally the only place where drinking and driving is not only accepted, but promoted.

Golf is a game of patience, diligence, and tolerance. It is an elaborate symphony of self-control coupled with a balanced mental state. In the event that anything goes sideways, however, you always have access to no fewer than twelve metal sticks with heavy, crooked ends to bash into the various things surrounding you at any given time. Swinging narrow sticks into inanimate objects at a high velocity is a proven and undying method of stress relief.

Because golf takes place in open space, away from large crowds, and generally without the oversight of any authority, you can be literally as violent as you want and it’s typically not only accepted, but encouraged. Your fellow golfers will look on with a sly grin as you hurl another pitching wedge into the trunk of a tree. Smiling and joking, you will all continue up to the green to finish out the hole, laughing together about how you left yet another innocent birch mangled beyond repair.

Few amateur golfers have gone an entire round without throwing a club into a lake, ripping the branches off a tree, chucking a fellow player’s golf bag into a sand trap, or intentionally driving a ball over the fence and into oncoming traffic. Rage is king in golf and even infractions that could easily be considered assault with a deadly weapon in the public sphere are fondly admired inside the confines of the course. At a golf course, this is stress relief at it’s finest, even if it would technically be considered criminal activity in any other venue.

An average round of 18-hole golf takes between four and six hours to complete. With consistent alcohol consumption combined with the general frustration created by repeatedly failing to put a little ball in a cup buried atop a well-manicured field of green, there are countless opportunities to spiral into a drunken hail storm of unbridled violence. A state of reckless, alcohol-fueled terrorism that’s wholly condoned at all levels of the game.

Golf is perhaps one of the most effective ways to blow off steam and get some real relaxation. For the reasonable fee of around $50 – $100 for a round, you can get drunk and destroy public property without having to worry about inconveniences like financial reparations or arrest that would certainly befall you if you did these things in, say, Walmart.

Find your center on the links. There is no limit to the amount of tipsy and aggressive stress relief you can obtain at a golf course. Throw back eight or twelve cold ones and send a line drive through a random stranger’s sliding glass door. They deserve it for living right next to a golf course and you’ll feel better. Everyone wins.

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